From Chinese translations by Hinako.
Draft: Version 1 - final
Notes:
PS: do not distribute this without my permission
Looking back at Naoe and Takaya, there was only a very brief moment in their lives when they had a gentle relationship.
Those several months following their reunion, when they were still 'an ignorant child and his protector'.
It had been Takaya's first encounter with this sort of person. Having been abandoned by his mother, harboring only hatred for his father; for someone like Takaya who did not trust his relatives or anyone else, it was only logical that this person left him dumbfounded. He never knew that such an adult existed.
With Naoe's unconditional protection, the tenacious wall around Takaya had gradually melted away without him realizing it. His body began to remember, the place where he could look to for relief.
Sometimes Takaya would merge the figure of Naoe's back with the image his father when the latter was young. Naoe's body had that sort of tenderness and reliability - the fatherly warmth that Takaya once loved the most. As long as he stayed by his side, he could be at ease.
Or perhaps Naoe could exist in such a way at that time because he had been 'Ougi Takaya'. Back then he was merely a senior high school student, unaware of the dispute between them for the past 400 years. As he did not have the hindrances and emotions of the past, perhaps it had made it possible for Naoe to see him as a young and naive person who had to be protected.
...Was that the reason why he could be so gentle?
Once Takaya reverted to 'Kagetora', Naoe's pain returned. 'Kagetora' was the name of his suffering, wasn't it?
If he had not reverted back to 'Kagetora', could he have maintained that gentle relationship with Naoe?
Had Naoe also... hoped for this?
Would Kagetora acknowledge this as their ideal?
They had such happiness back then.
But that moment of gentleness was only an evasion of their pain, merely a short dream. Naoe and him were burdened with too much suffering, their souls could not be rescued with such bare means. The powerful and the powerless. The victor and the defeated. Naoe's love was always accompanied with jealousy and inferiority. Hence, his longing was particularly intense. Could they not understand each other? Could they not forgive each other?
Takaya had pondered over this many times.
But, now...
Perhaps, not even that pain could be retrieved anymore.
The more they lived, the deeper their unease. The longer the path they had to tread, the more Naoe's wish of turning everlastingness into a reality forced him towards a hopeless end.
Fearing tomorrow.
Fearing that when tomorrow comes, he might just leave.
400 years could not prove anything. Even if he continued to cherish those 400 years, it would not make any difference if this ended in the next second. No one could foresee what tomorrow would bring. Perhaps Naoe was already pursuing someone else. Naoe's inferiority complex was not something visible. Nor could it be quantized or measured. If he was no longer bound to his attachment, it could easily invite the end of this conflict.
He once wanted to enhance these unreliable feelings into a 'general relationship'. For this purpose, it was imperative for them to play the part of 'the king and the challenger'.
It was impossible for him to hold off Naoe's power indefinitely. He did not have that sort of intense charm and strength. He knew this hence his fear. He was consistently dominated by unease, with never a sense of peace.
He could not let Naoe surpass himself. If he were overtaken, the yearning that Naoe had for Kagetora - that feverish desire would probably grow faint. There would be disappointment, pity, then he would love another. He would be banished from the center of his passion.
Perhaps the love itself would never fade away, as though that steady and tender affection between them would always exist as demonstrated by that short period after they were reunited. Despite the loss of intense emotions, people would eventually prefer such a relationship. In order to live on. In order to endure the endless years of life together. In order to stay by each other's side and live, a sacrifice was needed. The sacrifice in question would be those blazing emotions, including that mad, incessant cry of desire.
It was simply not possible for man to pursue a certain object until his death. It would one day be achieved. If not, it would be abandoned. Abandoned due to a lack of strength. Then they would speak of their abandon as wisdom acquired, allowing themselves to accept this setback. Calm and peace, this was what the majority of people hoped for. But on second thought, just how much of it was real 'calm'?
In general, wasn't it merely a 'compromise' adorned as something elegant to avoid the feelings of guilt?
I've grown exhausted from this intense pursuit, so please let me go.
Pleading with an invisible person... as though asking for forgiveness.
Using such sweet words...
Takaya endured the wind blowing from the moat, muttering to himself.
The person who wants forgiveness the most... is obviously me.
An affectionate relationship. Without a doubt, he was seeking for eternal steadiness and tenderness therein.
But...
Tenderness alone, could no longer satisfy this hunger. His hunger had grown too deep, prolonged for too long a time; tenderness alone could not satisfy him.
If he was not fiercely desired, he would die. Helpless. The insatiable want in his soul, now uncontrollable, had become a raging flame that could never disappear. Thick and dense, profound and intense...
A craving which resembled a black hole.
For these 400 years, he had been so desperately searching for something to fill it that his soul was now deteriorating and emitting a strange stench. This hunger could not be quenched no matter what he did.
Anxious to fulfill it, his unease swelled with each passing day, his attachment to Naoe grew even greater, increasing at a suffocating concentration and speed.
It's not possible for me to ask this of anyone else...
He would reach his limit one day... The bounds of his spirit... However, only his hunger remained boundless.
What was the real reason for this hunger?
Why did he so madly pursue him?
Once Naoe was not by his side, he felt a frightening nervousness with his existence. If no one told him that he was proper, he could not be at ease. He wanted evidence. Something that could attest to his way of life, proof that his thoughts were appropriate. Naoe had personally proven all of these. He had resisted his own feelings of defeat and struggled to realize his desire of surpassing him. This attitude in itself was a testament of Kagetora's worth. Surface appearances and words alone gave him no confidence. However Naoe's humiliation was real. It was not a ruse. Because of the stark nature of his humiliation, it could be trusted. In order to approve of himself, he needed this man. Only that man could do it. Because of the shame of someone like Naoe, he could acknowledge himself.
This so-called self-acknowledgment, I can't do it without others, can I...
What did this profound state of dependency indicate?
What was this, if not dependency?
If no one tells me it's proper, I can't be convinced of my own integrity, can I...
He had no confidence. Because of this incurable feeling of inferiority and excessive desolation, he would be easily shaken.
What was his worth after all, if he was always looking for approval from others?
Why was he like that...
Takaya smiled in self-pity.
I've only been pretentious...
His exhausted cheeks trembled slightly. Now that it had come to this, what more was there to say? Wasn't Naoe tired already, hadn't he given up on him?
Even when Naoe's hand had left his side and gone far away?
Even when Naoe no longer said anything to him?
Perhaps it's too late for everything...
--You have been confused by a fake...
Is this my new place of escape?
Takaya questioned the words in his heart.
Still unwilling to accept the fact that Naoe's heart has left me, that's why I'm struggling right?
--I will bring you back to reality.
That so-called reality... where is it?
Finding it difficult to breathe, Takaya clenched his teeth. Kaizaki had told him not to ignore any doubts, no matter how small it may be. So that he would not mistake sincerity for subservience.
--Please decide for yourself.
How can he say those words?
--You know it.
Know the answer.
--Please understand the truth.
Where do I look for the truth?
--Your closest ally is yourself.
He sincerely listened to the voice within him. Accepting it.
In that way, he could grasp the answer.
Takaya deeply appreciated what Kaizaki had told him. From that evening onwards, he had been always thinking. Should he take his advice? Were that man's words sincere? Kaizaki had said that the answer was in his heart. His eyes, capable of discerning the truth, were being deceived by shame, guilt and self-loathing. He had to remove them. But Takaya knew that this was the hardest thing for him to do.
He tried looking for any inconsistencies in his memories. If something was really not right, where exactly was the source of the problem...? Despite searching, he could uncover any clues. Even when he reviewed the events of the past, he could not detect any anomalies.
However, he wanted to put his trust in Kaizaki. But there was something he wanted to know even more. Why did Kaizaki have what he needed - all of the things that Naoe used to have?
Perhaps there were other people who possessed that special quality as well. But if so, did this mean that he would be happy with anyone who had these traits? What about his loyalty to Naoe? If that was the case, what was Naoe to him? What was loyalty to a person then? If Naoe were to lose the very object which Takaya yearned for, would that be the end? Then how was this any different than 'betrayal', the very thing he hated? How was it any different from abandoning something because no satisfaction could be obtained? So what about his love for Naoe? Wasn't he a traitor as well?
Enough... already...!
Don't compel me anymore. Takaya begged himself.
He closed his eyes wearily.
What... 'general relationship'...
It crumbled so easily.
But that was why he was always pursuing it.
Didn't it crumble very early on...
No. A voice somewhere in his heart answered.
--Please remember.
Takaya opened his eyes.
--Because you are my only life force.
The only one who could say this, was Naoe.
Because he was Naoe, he could say this.
Naoe was an irreplaceable existence, shouldn't he be most aware of this fact?
Nothing could become a substitute for him...
Wasn't he more aware of this fact than anybody else?
I want to ascertain...
Takaya looked up at the Kumamoto castle tower looming above the beautiful rock wall.
He wanted to know the truth.
He wanted to start from the truth.
I've decided...
It did not matter if this was his last hope. If there was indeed a problem somewhere, he wanted to ascertain the location of the truth. It did not matter if he was deemed as weak. Nor did it matter if he was mocked for having evaded it. Whatever happens, the truth would reveal itself one day.
The issues of the future,
should not be thought about now...
Takaya gazed at the clear sky. Saying that man's name aloud as though in prayer to the heavens.
The frosty northern winds continued to blow down the street.
Takaya passed through the entrance of the hotel. Once he stepped into the lobby, the figure of a black-suited man he was accustomed to seeing abruptly came into his view. Takaya stared at him.
The man was immediately aware of Takaya. He stood up from the leather sofa, and spoke.
"Kagetora-sama."
Takaya gazed at this figure who he cherished more deeply than anyone else for the past 400 years, he squinted his eyes in grief.
Desire for...
The truth.
Now...
***
Fuuma Kotarou had reached the hotel an hour before Takaya returned. It took Kotarou one week to settle all of the issues caused by the Enoshima incident; by right he should have remained in Fukuoka to assist Ayako as instructed by Takaya. He explained that he was here to make a report.
Takaya looked somewhat surprised that Kotarou had come to Kumamoto. He never expected him to take the initiative of paying a visit. Takaya indicated that he did not wish to discuss matters in the lobby and instructed him to follow him to his room. Kotarou complied.
Takaya's manner towards Kotarou had not changed much, he spoke very little. He would not say any more than was necessary for their conversation. However Takaya looked nervous, Kotarou felt rather puzzled at that. Once they were in the elevator, Takaya spoke.
"Looks like the situation at Enoshima is settled."
"Yes. I shall go through the details once we are in your room... The Takeda have advanced to Bousou. Apparently, the Miura territory has fallen under the direct control of the Takeda. However, there is something that bothers me."
"What?"
"The whereabouts of Kaizaki Makoto, who was once in league with the Satomi, remain unaccounted for. Haruie has confirmed that he was indeed present at Enoshima, but all information on him disappeared after that and we cannot trace him. I have already sent my men to look for-"
"... I ran into Kaizaki today."
Kotarou looked at Takaya in shock. "Ran into him? You met Kaizaki here?"
"Yeah..."
"So he is in Kumamoto? How is that possible... but why?"
"I don't know. He's planning something, he said he's working together with Takahashi Jouun."
"Takahashi... Jouun?"
"Takahashi Jouun is Ootomo Sourin's retainer. He's the lord of Chikuzen's Iwaya Castle, who is as famous as Sourin's right-hand man, Tachibana Dousetsu, and the others in the Ootomo. After Dousetsu's death, Jouun single-handedly led the rapidly degenerating Ootomo and Shimazu Yoshihisa's Satsuma army of 50,000 men into a fierce, all-out war."
"Ootomo... Sourin..."
He was the one from the Ootomo clan who had been known as the feudal chief of northern Kyushu island. After the destruction of the Oouchi and the Shouni clans during the Warring States era, Shimazu, Ryuuzouji and Ootomo became the three main warrior houses of Kyushu and were thereafter mutually locked in a power struggle. Ootomo Sourin once acquired six other provinces apart from Bungo and was deemed as Kyushu's strongest force. Its power came from the economic wealth provided by foreign trade. Sourin's foresight in prioritizing foreign trade was a unique quality among the daimyo during the Warring States era. Nevertheless, the primary reason for his success was the assistance rendered by his excellent vassals. Tachibana Dousetsu, the boy he raised - Muneshige, as well as Muneshige's father, Takahashi Jouun... All of them were ferocious generals famed for their military prowess.
As a result of the support from these capable and bold talents, Ootomo increased in power thus claiming the title of the strongest in Kyushu island.
No wonder Takaya's expression had grown stiff. He did not expect Mikuriya Juri to be related to Ootomo.
"Ootomo Sourin is in Kumamoto..."
"The one in command of the Ootomo now is Tachibana Dousetsu, who has been declared as 'the incarnation of the God of Thunder'. His son, Tachibana Muneshige, has also been resurrected. Takahashi's group of men, who were seen with Kaizaki, are all kanshousha. The situation does not look very encouraging. Perhaps we should prepare ourselves for a major battle."
"..."
Was Kaizaki now allied with the Ootomo?
After the 'Method of Connecting to Hell' at Enoshima, just when he was starting to feel uncertain over his disappearance, things have suddenly---. As a descendant of the Satomi, he was someone from this era who had gotten involved with the war of the Yami Sengoku.
Was he fleeing? Or did he have some other objective...
"What an incomprehensible guy." Takaya muttered as he leaned against the side of the elevator. "He betrayed the Satomi to save me... And now that he's with the Ootomo, he even has the nerve to say that he can help me. I seriously can't understand his thoughts. These sort of people are really the most difficult to deal with."
"Save you...? You mean to say that he was the one who informed us of your whereabouts at that time?"
"..."
Takaya had a solemn expression. Kotarou had never personally seen Kaizaki. However he knew very well that Takaya was particularly concerned about Kaizaki. There was another issue that bothered him: the handwriting on that business card. Takaya, too, could tell that the handwriting on the card was strangely similar to Naoe's. Kotarou was obviously well-aware of the characteristics of his own forged handwriting. The handwriting on the card was extremely similar. If Kaizaki was the one who had disclosed Takaya's whereabouts, then was that his handwriting?
--Naoe is still alive.
--He wants me to wait.
Takaya had said this after encountering Kaizaki.
Is that man related to Naoe?
Kotarou did not believe Naoe was still alive. Naoe was dead. He should no longer have any power left for performing kanshou. He had verified Naoe's death with his own eyes; his remains had been burned to ashes.
Kotarou hastily considered the facts. Even if Kaizaki was indeed Naoe, Ayako had seen Kaizaki before. And even if Ayako could not recognize him as Naoe for whatever reason, at the very least, she would have been aware of his identity as a kanshousha. ...But Kaizaki was not a kanshousha.
Takaya words and actions were cause for concern. If this had something to do with Kaizaki...
What is his objective...?
"..."
Kotarou caught Takaya's gaze and returned to his senses. Takaya had been watching Kotarou as though he was scrutinizing him. Kotarou relaxed his tone of voice and asked.
"What is the matter?"
"...Nothing."
The elevator reached the 10th floor. The two of them exited the lift and entered the room. Kotarou headed to the guest area and prepared two cups of coffee while Takaya changed his clothes. Takaya wore an ordinary pair of jeans and sat on the sofa.
"Let's begin."
Kotarou started his report with the details on how the problems in Enoshima were handled. Kyoutake real estate had immediately withdrawn from Enoshima after the battle. From a business point of view, this was not a very beneficial project to begin with. In addition to that, the firm's chairman and employees had been arrested by the police and the internal administration of the company had spiraled into chaos. Since the corporation itself was caught up in a crisis, they were no longer concerned with Enoshima. As for the agents from the special investigation department, they immediately launched an inquiry on the Satomi, but as the Satomi clan was no longer in this world, they could not obtain any further information. Kotarou concluded that they would not bring about any complications for now.
Takaya listened in silence. If Naoe's role was limited to such undertakings, then Kotarou would have been able to play the part of Naoe to perfection.
Following the end of his report, the subject switched to their current endeavors.
"You may have heard of this from Haruie."
Kotarou said and began his account. Ayako and Kotarou had begun to investigate four strange disappearances which occurred around the center of Kyushu island.
Hakata, Kurume and Beppu; the other disappearance happened in Tokyo. The four individuals who went missing were aged between 20 and 30 years, and disappeared under similar circumstances, all of them going missing within the past month. What was strange was that all the cases involved a fire outbreak.
Every one of them could not be found at the scene itself after the fire was extinguished, appearing to have vanished, as though they had been burned together with the flames to the point where nothing remained. All of the incidents involved small fires in their place of residence, however the fire always started in the room they were in. Some people theorized that they had undergone spontaneous human combustion. The police had given rather weak statements on the issue, however a thorough investigation revealed a common feature among the four victims.
"...Followers of a new religion?"
Takaya asked, Kotarou nodded.
"Although it is new, it is not a registered religious organization. It is connected to Shintoism. Despite having been regarded as a new religion, it began during the ancient times and has been passed down through the generations. It seems to be the type of religion which involves independent conviction, with the clan serving as the main unit."
"An independent conviction, with the clan as the main unit..."
"Yes. It could be regarded as being closer in concept to the idea of social customs and practices. Because it's passed down through the generations of the clan in a discreet manner, it does not gain new followers by means of preaching. Its headquarters is in Beppu. The birth of this religion however is somewhere else. Apparently, they left that territory a long time ago. There are approximately 50 to 60 followers, their activities are all house ceremonies, in other words they are carried out in secret. They are a small-scale religious organization."
"In secret huh?"
"The religious society is known as the Fire Sect." Kotarou said unenthusiastically. "At present, I only have a rough outline of the situation, ...their enshrined deity is Takeiwatatsu-no-mikoto. With fire as the symbol of their conviction, their origin probably lies in the foothills of Aso."
"Aso? ...Takeiwatatsu-no-mikoto?"
"Yes. The Takeiwatatsu-no-mikoto of the legends of Aso could be considered as the central deity of the 12 gods who originated from Aso. He is also the main enshrined deity of Aso shrine. They use special rituals to worship Him, and have have maintained their beliefs through the long years of their lives, through the many generations."
"Flames... fire outbreaks..." Murmuring these words like they were clues, Takaya placed his hand on his chin. "Disappearances..."
"Haruie is in the process of acquiring further details from the families of those missing persons. Furthermore, there is another matter I wish to inform you..."
"What is it?"
"It concerns a strange eyewitness account."
"Eyewitness account?"
"The testimony from a neighbor who witnessed the scene of the fire in Kurume. However, it seems like the policemen have laughed it off as a joke." Kotarou lowered his voice. "The eyewitness said that he saw the victim fly from the scene of the fire into the sky."
"Fly up into the sky?"
"Yes." Kotarou nodded with a serious expression. "Fly up into the sky from the flames. The eyewitness had doubted his own eyes at that time, however he said that the missing person had indeed flown up to the sky in a silent manner, then disappeared into the mountains to the south."
Takaya frowned, revealing a look of suspicion.
"What on earth is going on?"
"The finer details of the incident are still under investigation. If we encounter any new information, I will immediately inform you."
"..." Takaya pondered deeply for a while, then nodded at Kotarou. "I shall leave this to you then. That Aso incident bothers me a little. Although it may be unrelated to the Yami Sengoku, I want to know more about that Fire Sect. Continue with your investigation."
"Understood."
"Well then---" Takaya said as he stood up, Kotarou's eyebrows twitched a little.
"Kagetora-sama..."
"That's the end of your report, you've to return now right? There isn't anything else you have to tell me right? I'll see you down to the lobby."
"..."
"That's all you have to tell me right?"
Kotarou widened his eyes. It seemed like Takaya was serious about sending Kotarou out. Naoe would not say anything in excess, thus Takaya matched it by behaving in a mechanical way.
"Kagetora-sama."
Kotarou called him but could not continue.
"..."
Takaya waited for a brief moment, anticipating his following words. When he understood that he would not say anymore, Takaya lowered his head as if in defeat and sorrow. He stepped forward and opened the door as though saying, "Leave." Kotarou stood up powerlessly and walked out. Just as he exited the room, Kotarou said.
"...Can't I stay here for a little longer?"
Takaya's shoulders jumped. "Naoe."
"I came here to see you. Can't I stay for a little longer?"
Takaya was clearly shaken at this unexpected request. It was obvious that he had been waiting for these words. The look in his eyes wavered in bafflement and unease, however, as he was afraid of experiencing any more hurt, the thought of protecting himself prevented him from giving in. Takaya forcefully turned away.
"No. You're busy. Not to mention that you should quickly get started on your investi-"
He did not finish. Kotarou grabbed Takaya's shoulders all of a sudden, turned his body around and embraced him tightly. Takaya's eyes widened in shock.
"Huh..."
Kotarou's arms were firmly wrapped around Takaya. Takaya stopped breathing as Kotarou held him against his generous chest. As if unaware of what was happening, he did not show any sign of struggle in Kotarou's arms. Then Takaya lifted his head to look at Kotarou's face. Because of this abrupt move, the expression on Takaya's face was unexpectedly innocent and child-like. Kotarou quietly looked at him in this manner. The instant Takaya wanted to say something, Kotarou's face approached, sealing his lips. Takaya's eyes widened in astonishment, however that kiss was a quiet one. It was hardly amorous, just extremely cold.
"..."
Takaya frowned. In that moment, he took the initiative of pressing his lips against Kotarou's, but not long after his determination withered away. Takaya knew that the impulse from a moment ago would not return, his arms fell limply to his sides as though they had been invaded by a feeling of exhaustion. It was merely a cold kiss although it lasted for quite a while. Takaya remained indifferent to Kotarou's kiss until the latter stopped, closing his eyes as he waited for Kotarou to let him go in the chilly atmosphere. Kotarou looked at him, awaiting Takaya's reponse. Takaya lifted his head, looking at his face once again, he spoke in a low voice.
"Have you... even forgotten how to kiss?"
A chasm of pain appeared on Kotarou's expressionless face. Takaya quietly observed the shock in Kotarou's appearance which came close to lamentable degree. Takaya left Kotarou's embrace, only looking back at him once before the door closed behind him. Kotarou remained in the corridor dumbfounded.
For a long time, he could only stand there.
What is going on...
To think that the single step forward that he had taken resulted in such severity, paralyzing Kotarou's feet.
Why am I so badly shaken?
Was it because his impersonation failed? Or was it because that the lack of wholeness of his own skills had been so blatantly exposed hence his astonishment?
His actions had been part of a plan. Kotarou had been planning to do this from the start. He had come here with the intention of sleeping with Takaya if circumstances proved favorable.
What he said just now was not a lie.
Kotarou had indeed come to Kumamoto because of Takaya.
Three days ago, the high priest of Honganji, Kennyo, had probed into Kotarou's aspirations. He had requested for a revival of the alliance with the Hojo.
And the first step to the restoration of this alliance was to bring Takaya back to their side for the battle in Kyushu island. That was what he had told Kotarou.
--Head to Kumamoto and meet with him.
Kennyo had instructed him in this way.
It had finally come down to this. Kotarou felt this way.
In short, he had to maintain a close relationship with Takaya, at the same time he had to completely become Naoe so that Takaya would not have any suspicions.
Kotarou knew that physicality was an essential factor in the relationship between Naoe and Takaya. Previously, Naoe frequently yearned for Takaya's assent; Takaya, too, sought for it occasionally. Kotarou believed that he had to do this if necessary. Not too long ago, Takaya's words and behavior seemed to reflect a certain awareness that Kotarou was impersonating Naoe. At present, Kotarou was adamant about concealing the fact that he was not Naoe from Takaya, regardless of what happens. In order to carry out his task of bringing Takaya back to the Hojo, Kotarou had to be Naoe. He most definitely could not allow him to have doubts. For the sake of this, he would consider any means possible.
If Naoe and Saburo-dono have that sort of relationship...
If by doing this, Takaya would fully believe that Kotarou was Naoe and no longer be uncertain, then he had to this. In order to bind Takaya, Kotarou felt that he had to start a physical relationship with him.
Kumamoto was currently under martial law. For the moment, there was no immediate danger to a kanshousha. However for a hyoui rei like Kotarou, this was an extremely dangerous place to be. To come to Kumamoto in spite of this, apart from keeping his promise with the Ikkoushuu, there was one other thing which Kotarou felt to be of greater importance.
I ought to preserve my relationship with Saburo-dono as much as possible for now.
This was what he believed.
Kotarou had to become more Naoe-like than the Naoe he was imitating at the moment. He had trimmed the elegant, long hair that he used to have. The kiss had also been a calculated move. However it seemed like the more he wanted to become Naoe, the more Takaya grew aware of the differences between them, as demonstrated by that kiss. As long as he refrained from going one step further in their relationship he would not be exposed, however if he did not deepen their connection, he would have an even lower chance of becoming Naoe. Paradoxical as it may be, it was a fact.
--Do you want to become Naoe?
Yes. I want to become Naoe.
No. It is my duty to become Naoe.
He could imitate anything on the surface level. However, there existed a limit which was difficult to evade. Kotarou could not stretch his abilities to the point of mimicking emotions. This was a fact that he could not but admit. Kotarou knew that in order to mirror Naoe's every move, he would require the same feelings that Naoe had. Emotions could not be duplicated. It followed the same logic of not being able to understand another's pain if one did not stand in the same shoes. No matter how well he impersonated him, the fact that he was a fake would be revealed in the presence of a person who understood the character of the original individual. To Kotarou, that person was Takaya.
What is the best course of action to take...
There was no way he could look at Takaya from Naoe's point of view. He acknowledged that Takaya was indeed talented. As expected of Ujiyasu's son, he was rather outstanding. However, Kotarou did not dwell on feelings of inferiority or desires of surpassing him, he was not in psychological conflict with Takaya. He would never even think about comparing himself with Takaya in the first place.
He is probably someone who needs protection.
Whenever he thought of Takaya, what appeared in his mind was his frailty, which was a stark contrast to the steely determination that he had when systematically conducting a mission. That said, he did not disdain Takaya's frailty. Everyone had their weaknesses. That severely unsteady aspect of Takaya had unexpectedly spurred the desire to protect him in Kotarou. If one were to consider Kotarou's developing feelings for Takaya, this would be it.
I have no way of replicating Naoe's way of thinking.
Was this the most essential thing that he lacked?
Was this an emotion that he would never acquire regardless of what he did?
He could not forget the expression in Takaya's eyes that were so full of intense emotion. The feelings that had spurred Naoe; the feelings that had brought out his passion; the feelings that had emerged as a result of having been tempted by Takaya. --It was an emotion which he did not have. Once he thought of this, Kotarou's chest would always feel as though it was being weighed down with giant rocks.
Would this be... that so-called feeling of inferiority?
A crushing feeling, as though pieces of lead were precipitated in his soul...
Something that Naoe has... but not me?
Every meeting with Takaya amplified this feeling, after which Kotarou would be even more violently aware of Naoe, of this man's existence. The two of them occupied Kotarou's entire mind. No, his entire heart.
Am I envious of Naoe...
Kotarou searched his conscience.
--Have you even forgotten how to kiss?
Why...
"Kotarou-dono."
An unfamiliar man accompanied with two assistants had been waiting for Kotarou in the lobby. Kotarou only returned to his senses when his name was called. His shoulders trembled for a moment as though sensing that an enemy had discovered an opening for an attack, resulting in a startled appearance that was very unlike his usual self.
Who was it...!
The smiling face of a man attired in a deep-blue suit appeared, he approached a vigilant-looking Kotarou. He did not look guarded.
"It's me. You don't recognize me, do you? Kotarou-dono."
Kotarou creased his eyebrows due to uncertainty, then widened his eyes in shock.
"You are...!"
***
It was close to evening, the air outside had grown cold.
The gusty winds from the north blew in the garden, causing broad ripples in the pond, perturbing the reflection of the mountain on the water surface. Dusk had settled over the garden, the number of tourists had decreased.
This Suizenji Jojuen Garden, a Momoyama-styled flower garden, was constructed by the Hosokawa family, who used to govern the province of Kumamoto, as a retreat for tea ceremonies. It was a scenic spot, standing side by side with Kumamoto Castle as one of the tourist attractions of Kumamoto. The garden was rather vast, featuring miniature scenes from the 53 stages of the Tokaidou. The landscape of the garden was exceptionally beautiful, truly living up to its name. The bubbling spring in the pond came from Aso's underground water, no wonder Kumamoto was regarded as the 'City of Water', the quality of the water here was extremely pure.
The person expected appeared at the appointed time. Kaizaki Makoto and him had agreed to meet at the front door. The two of them passed through the garden, coming to the 'interval of instruction between the ancient and the modern' constructed at the edge of the pond.
"Kumamoto is truly a land of clear waters." Kaizaki stated as he gazed at the pond from the narrow porch outside the room. "Seems like water usage in Hakata has been tightly rationed because of the water shortage this year. However I heard that due to the rich, bubbling spring from Aso that Kumamoto has, there would be no anxiety over water shortages. The water here is indeed sweet. Even the taste of tap water here is completely different from elsewhere."
"I say, the tap water in Osaka can only be used for washing your mouth, not to mention that its bitterness lingers on for quite a bit."
Irobe Katsunaga remarked, laughing in a cynical manner. His clothes looked extremely casual in comparison to Kaizaki's, to the extent that he looked out of sorts standing next to him. Just from the style of his outfit, one could tell that he loved the outdoors.
"Kumamoto is a fire kingdom yet a city of water. Unbelievable."
"Mmm. Complete opposites."
Kaizaki smiled as he looked at the man-made hill on the other side of the pond. The cloudless sky extended over the lush pine trees. It seemed like the rain yesterday had thoroughly cleansed the the sky of its darkness, it was especially clear and bright.
"Mediation with the Ootomo appears to be going smoothly."
"Mmm. I have met with Tachibana Dousetsu, I'm currently regarded as a Satomi fugitive. I have already arranged for you to meet them tomorrow, Irobe-dono."
"You are really competent. This sort of preparatory work should be left to your subordinates."
Kaizaki smiled. "It is in my own nature I suppose."
"How is Kagetora-dono's situation?" Irobe sat down on the narrow porch, then lifted his head towards Kaizaki and asked. "How is he doing?"
"...Mmm." Kaizaki gazed at the reflection of the man-made hill on the water surface of the pond. "He is well. Irobe-dono, I wish you could meet him as soon as possible. He would definitely be very happy."
"If possible, I would like to meet him as well. We have not seen each other for 30 years after all. I would very much like to see him, speak with him. I truly long to do so."
"...Of course."
Thinking back on those long years when Kagetora's whereabouts had been unknown, Kaizaki nodded deeply. During that time, while the others were undergoing kanshou and had yet to return to the battlefront, Irobe alone had incessantly searched for Kagetora. Recalling Irobe's blood and toil, Kaizaki felt that he deserved the most recompense. Kagetora was like a son to Irobe. The joy of being reunited with him would be greater than anybody else. --And now that he was right before his eyes, he could not meet him; this was truly painful.
"But it's okay. As long as he is doing well." Irobe said, recalling what had transpired during that time, it was enough for him to know that he was alive and well. "Is Kagetora-dono still calling that Fuuma man 'Naoe'?"
"...Mmm. It appears that he won't be able to recover for quite some time..."
"How do you feel about that?"
"..."
"Must be painful to watch it, isn't it?"
"I feel puzzled." A forced smile appeared on Kaizaki's face. "I do not know if it's anger or anxiety. I even feel jealous of that man. I'm not very clear myself. My feelings are complicated."
"...If I were in the same position, I wouldn't be able to maintain my calm either."
"I don't understand it, how is it possible for him call a complete stranger in such a way? To the extent of faulting him for his problems. However," Kaizaki said, stuffing his leather-gloved hands into his pockets. "When I think about what unexpectedly happened to him as result of losing me... I don't feel like blaming him anymore. Neither is it possible for me to blame him."
"..."
"I can't deny that I feel happy about his predicament in a small corner of my heart. This proves that I have what it takes to drive him mad. ...This is what I meant by complicated."
Irobe looked at the side of Kaizaki's face in silence. The dried leaves floating in the water basin were blown by the wind, making them dance about the water surface.
"Are you planning to undo Kagetora-dono's self-hypnosis?"
"I can't let him carry on in this way right." Kaizaki's answer was certain. "That sort of distortion will exhaust the spirit. I won't allow this to shorten the lifespan of his spiritual nucleus. More importantly, I can't let the existence of that impostor continue to injure him. In order to undo the tangled threads, I have to first find the location of the kink."
"Are you going to conduct spiritual tracing on him?"
"... This is the only thing I can do right?"
"Isn't that method a little unpredictable?"
"..."
"We don't have any experience in undoing self-hypnosis arising from a major blow to the self. We have no way of predicting what might happen once he sees the right memories. It might bring about a resistance or perhaps nothing would happen. There's a chance that he would accept the truth without any problems, however there's also the danger that he might go mad or lose control."
"I won't let him end up that way." Kaizaki asserted in a resolute voice. "This will be different from the situation back then."
"..."
"I am still alive." Kaizaki uttered sincerely. "I still want to live like how I am now. This is the big difference. I can definitely stop him from going mad."
"..."
In the very depths of Kaizaki's eyes, there was a staunch determination. That expression conveyed his resolve of never retreating. Since when did he have such decisiveness?
No...
Previously, he had shown this same strength which Irobe found amazing. It was during the time where Kagetora had yet to be found. He had said to Irobe and the others, who were on the verge of giving up, that if he were to die when Kagetora was still alive, he would be responsible for Kagetora's loneliness. This was something that he could not allow. Kagetora was definitely still alive.
Looks like he didn't lose his strength.
Not only did he not lose it, Irobe felt like this strength had been fortified. Where did the basis for this self-confidence come from? What was it that bolstered his strength? Irobe felt that he understood.
"Seems like this matter has become your proof."
Irobe picked up the wooden ladle on the water basin, emptying the water in the scoop. He muttered.
"Your existence has such a high standing in Kagetora's heart. Are you still unsatisfied? ...Are you still so attached to victory and defeat?"
"I've always known that he loves me."
Hearing this unexpected answer, Irobe could not help but look at Kaizaki. "You..."
"However I also understood the sort of love it was. From the very beginning, I was regarded as the 'defeated' and thus needed. In order to continue to be needed, I would always have to be the defeated. He's the type of person who obtains confidence and relief from being victorious in a conflict. Constantly ensuring his superiority, that is the driving force of his life."
"Are you saying that you're seen as a stepping stone and thus loved in that way?"
"...I guess you can say that." Kaizaki gazed at the canopy of the pine trees. "It's probably because of my own nature. There is no other man more suited for this role than I am. ...He is someone who is always excessively severe on himself, reluctant to accept even the smallest praise. Perhaps only by constantly surpassing me can he grudgingly begin to love himself."
"Do you see yourself as his sacrifice?"
"I don't consider this a sacrifice." Kaizaki replied very firmly. "If I were to use that word to explain this feeling, then I'm really a person with no sense of shame. The reason I am so attached to him is because having my self-respect crushed by him has resulted in grief. I want to be more outstanding than he is. I want to be praised by people as being more able than he is. I want to rid of this heavy rock that he is as fast as I can. This is a kind of yearning, a kind of self-defense. ...Do I look like the type of person who would happily allow myself to be a stepping stone for others?"
"So this is because of your own yearning?"
"A repulsive emotion no doubt."
"..."
"Do you disdain me?"
"No..." Irobe replied, he stood up. "I think I have a rough idea of your frame of mind. But, looking at Kagetora now, do you still want to surpass him?"
Kaizaki was silent.
"I think you've done fairly well within this past year. To be frank, I never expected you to be capable of such perfect command. Be it your judgment, decisiveness or leadership, you are not inferior to Kagetora. Even Hakkai has praised you. ...Even so, are you still unsatisfied?"
"...That sort of praise is complicated." Kaizaki walked towards the edge of the pond. "Sometimes it makes me feel uneasy."
"Uneasy?"
"Sometimes I am not sure. Every single course of action that I take doesn't seem to be my own. Even when I feel that I've exercised my own prudence, it starts to feel like it is really his sense of judgment. Which views are my own, which are his? Honestly, I never knew I had been so deeply influenced by him."
It was far more apparent to him now that they were separated. During the times spent by his side, he had struggled to assert his own individuality, but now that he was independent, he was endlessly startled at how he had been so profoundly affected.
"Once I'm aware this, it becomes an unbearable fact. When I think about it carefully, I realize that I'm just imitating his actions. So much that sometimes I'm not sure whether my words are mine or his. His influence is too immense. To the extent that it will corrode the individuality of others. I find this painful, I once struggled desperately to resist it."
"..."
"Since I'm objective in this matter, when it comes down to a comparison, the facts of the past can't be avoided. I feel dismayed at my own shallow deliberations. Be it my judgment or decisiveness, all of them can't compare with his at all. The issues that he can so easily handle are impossible for me. I have once again been clearly reminded of this aspect. Even with another 400 years, I doubt I can be like him. For this reason, I feel disheartened, defiant, however..."
Kaizaki continued.
"Whenever I feel lost, I would unconsciously look to him for the answer."
Look to the Kagetora living within himself.
Despite being apart, Kagetora still existed in his heart, breathing as though he was alive, bringing an abundance of vitality.
"My heart would always return to him."
"Return...?"
"Only now do I realize it."
It was like his 'refuge'. It was the first time he understood that each individual existence had the ability to become a spiritual 'refuge' for another.
"Perhaps it is indeed a mistake to engage in a superiority contest with your refuge."
"..."
"However, as long as I can't escape from my attachment, I have no choice but to seek for an answer that I can accept. If I can't find it in this field of view, then I must carry on until my horizon changes. This is what I think."
"Carry on towards Kagetora's position?"
"...To a place where I can see the same view that he can."
Irobe looked at Kaizaki standing against the wind with a sincere expression on his face.
"Won't you feel disappointed?"
"Irobe-dono."
"You idealize Kagetora too much. This ideal might collapse even tomorrow. If you come across someone more outstanding than Kagetora, wouldn't you feel disappointed in Kagetora? Don't you think that when you feel that you've surpassed him, you would lose your love for him?"
Kaizaki looked at Irobe with a solemn expression.
"Kagetora probably fears this. Isn't that why he doesn't dare give you too much?"
"...Perhaps." Kaizaki replied in a low voice. "As long as I'm a worshipper or a rebel, this possibility is always there. Nevertheless, I have taken the next step. Even now, I'm honestly not capable of understanding him. It's impossible for someone who worships others to understand the pain of the one being worshipped. In order to understand his pain, I must climb to that position. I must personally experience that same pain. Rather than remain ignorant of his suffering and continue to forcefully admire him as an ideal, it'd be better for me to personally know his pain, take in all of his recondite assets as my own."
"..."
"A sentiment such as disappointment is a product of my own self. I am not in love with an idol. I don't want to love him with that sort of worthless affection and arrogance."
Irobe thought, "Indeed". More than anyone else, Kagetora wanted a sensitive person. He was more keenly aware than others when someone was disappointed in him. It was probably even easier for him to recognize someone who was disappointed yet continued to love him out of pity. Deception was impossible before his high level of perception. With someone who clearly disapproved of him yet loved him out of charity, he would definitely refuse to indulge in this sort of cheap romance. Although it was obvious that his need to be loved was more intense than anyone else, his fear of being loved was equally intense. Kagetora was such a person. He was afraid of behaving like a spoiled child, hence he would disdainfully reject these type of things. Yes. Kagetora ought to be someone who would rather choose to understand the truth and be wounded, than indulge in make-believe.
"What about that matter about being a stepping stone?" Irobe's expression had grown severe. "If what you said just now is true, the foundation of Kagetora's self-assurance would disappear if you lose your feelings of defeat towards him. What would happen... to Kagetora?"
That issue he was trying to avoid was unexpectedly mentioned, Kaizaki painfully knitted his brows.
"If you no longer have to be attached to victory and defeat in order to continue your pursuit of something, what would Kagetora think?"
"He..."
After that one word, he could not continue. Kaizaki's expression had grown dismal, he became pensive. The conflict in his heart would sometimes be so great as to shake the decided path... Was this the correct path? Must it really not be changed? In reality, could it be that their current relationship was not even close to its paramount form? ---He was uncommunicative due to melancholy; Irobe had seen this expression countless times before. Even though he had overcome his own suffering now, he could not predict how his relationship with Kagetora would turn out. For this reason, unease and desolation were etched deeply into the side of Kaizaki's face. After all, if the perfect answer could be so easily found, they would not have had to suffer for such a long period of time...
"You... aren't resisting anymore, are you?" Irobe was not being reproachful in his questioning. "Are you no longer attached to victory and defeat?"
"...I don't know either." Kaizaki's gaze fell to the dried leaves beside his leg. "Judging from the way I'm so concerned with my own ingenuity, perhaps I'm still unsettled over this contest for superiority with him. It's easy to find a temporary repose. But if I give in now, it would be a compromise. Proceeding is the only thing I can do."
"Actually, you no longer have any feelings of defiance against Kagetora right."
"...Irobe-dono."
"You're obviously no longer like what you used to be, consciously harboring a sense of revolt, and yet you still speak of this. It's because you're trying to fight against your inherent nature right. In actual fact, you fear a liberation from attachment right."
"... The feeling of being constrained has lessened considerably." Kaizaki lowered his eyes and said gloomily. "But I believe it's because of we are separated by quite a distance. The moment I return to him, I would be bound to that pain once again. For those 28 years of my continuous search for him, I could momentarily forget that sense of humiliation. However, I had not overcome it. When we were apart, I wholeheartedly thought of only wanting to be tender to him, but once I am by his side, I would be tormented with feelings of inferiority and shame, resulting in a loss of self-control, and I can't help but want to hurt him. - Even now, my return to his side could easily spark a disastrous repeat of the past. As long as my innate personality doesn't change."
"When the answer is so clear, what are you still confused about?"
"Irobe-dono."
"What are you confused about? It seems like the source of your confusion is not just out of your worry for Kagetora. Don't tell me you're afraid of losing your attachment? The truth is that, in your heart, you find comfort in your desire to surpass Kagetora. You're uneasy over what might happen to you if this intense emotion disappears, aren't you? Your strong fighting spirit against Kagetora is your very support. Isn't that right?"
"Support...?"
"I can tell that there is no pretense in your attitude. But despite your encouraging words, what would you do if there should come a time when you are truly disappointed in or showing pity for Kagetora? The more you can't mask the true nature of your love, the greater your injury from turning into someone that you can't accept. Not only Kagetora, but even you would crumble. Why do both of you choose to love each other in a way which would only strip yourselves of any retreat?"
Kaizaki trembled, he lifted his eyes.
"Both of you have never drawn back. Just where on earth are both of you trying to reach by mutually spurring yourselves in this way? Giving up an attachment is not a form of retrogression. It requires courage to withdraw or to abandon something. Some people have acquired satisfaction in this way."
"Irobe-dono." Kaizaki said in a firm voice. "This is our way of existence."
"Way of existence..."
"He and I... would much rather carry through and acquire the supreme, than withdraw and obtain satisfaction."
Kaizaki uttered with a fully resolute expression; there was a feverish tone to his voice.
"Perhaps some people may not be able to accept this, but I don't wish to use satisfaction as an excuse to comfort myself for having given up. I resist, I challenge, because this is the cry of my soul. I don't have the intention of doing what is proper or improper. It's because I will really crumble if I don't do this. I won't be able to breathe."
"..."
"Deep in my heart, I am happy about his weakened condition. I feel slightly at ease when I see that he can't threaten me. If he loses his strength, I won't have to fear getting crushed by him. Then I would have moved one step closer to my goal of surpassing him without any suffering. ...Even if I lose my attachment in this way, can it be regarded as having overcome him? Even if I am no longer in pain, it can't be considered as true peace."
"That's because you take it too seriously."
"Yes. I can't afford any compromise. In front of him, even if I wanted to compromise or deceive myself, it's impossible. A masked love is something that he hates more than anything else. It is the object that he hates the most in this world. ...I can only love him with a naked affection. Anything else that I do won't be able to obtain his acknowledgment and trust. For a soul so full of doubt, the trick of sitting on the fence would not work. Therefore, if I have indeed lost my love for him, I probably won't hide it, moreover it's impossible for me to do so even if I wanted to."
"Don't you find it cruel? Isn't this the equivalent of an unsympathetic and short love affair?"
"It's cruel I suppose. However a tender lie won't cure him of the unease which has severely wounded him. He understands this as well. Irobe-dono, if it was possible to deceive him with a white lie, I would have done so no matter how many lies I have to tell. However, this is useless to him. If I don't stake everything that I have, strip everything down to its bareness, I have no way of confronting that soul."
Irobe's expression gradually grew pale.
Despite asserting in this way, Kaizaki had already realized another one of Takaya's desires. He merely yearned for tender love even if he was being deceived. He did not care about reality but only sought for a love that would not injure his heart. Even if it was a lie, he only wanted the wings brimming with warmth to surround his heart for eternity. His heart was crying out in this way, hungry and thirsty to the point where it was on the verge of death. The reason for all of this was because he [Naoe] had injured him too deeply all this while. Once he realized this, Kaizaki painfully creased his brows. His desires contradicted each other...
The parade of his principles had made him [Takaya] suffer. Was he trying to twist his guilt into rightfulness by rationalizing his actions?
After a period of silence, Irobe spoke.
"The love between you two is much too dangerous."
"..."
"Why must you choose to love in a way that drives yourself down a dead end? Why must you choose a love which resembles a double-edged sword? No good will come out of this. It would eventually evolve into a mutual hacking of each other's flesh. This would surely lead to destruction rather than everlastingness. The eternal relationship that both of you hope for, isn't it only workable by giving in to forgiveness, compromise and deception?"
"Irobe-dono."
"Who do you guys think you are? Aren't both of you just acting in a way that's pleasing to the eyes? Isn't it merely an unwillingness to accept that both of you are changing into something even more repulsive than before?"
"..."
Irobe paused once he saw Kaizaki's facial response. Kaizaki's eyes conveyed a startling degree of sorrow as he looked at Irobe. Irobe could not say any more.
"It is as you said... Irobe-dono. I've always wanted to ask myself the same questions. If I question his display of false reasoning, what of the saint-like appearance that I've been wearing, hence I can only keep my mouth shut. If possible, I, too, want a sense of peace even if I have to deceive myself for it. I, too, once wanted to give up on contemplation and just go with the flow. I don't have the obligation of taking unnecessary pains to study an insoluble problem. It would be fine for me to just sink into depravity in a repulsive manner, wouldn't it? Even if I should feel disappointed in the saint I see in him one day, I won't mind. I will conceal it, let him dally as much as he wants, indulge in sex everyday and make him crave for pleasure, and shower him with flattering words. Perhaps he might even feel satisfied."
Kaizaki said in one breath, then calmly pursed his lips together. He shut his eyes and raised his head towards the sky in a restrained manner. - Irobe could only look at his face, unable to interrupt him.
"You..."
"Irobe-dono," Kaizaki said, turning towards him. "...Martyrdom is indeed the face of a mental abnormality. A love that has lost its softness, can perhaps only bring about destruction and damage. ...However, I still long for it. Struggling to realize that everlastingness which I swore to achieve."
Kaizaki's eyes gazed directly into Irobe's. There was an exceedingly sincere expression in his eyes.
"Because I want to believe in this love."
He said. However in the next moment, his mind was again assailed by pessimism; unable to endure it, Kaizaki shook his head painfully.
"Enough... already..."
"You-..."
"Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. I'm back at square one. Regardless of everything, it doesn't matter anymore. This is starting to sound as though I have chosen to love him in order to turn myself into the ideal. It's not that. I want him. I yearn for him. That is all. I only desire him. Please pay no heed to everything else that I have said. Apart from this, there's no other truth that I can find."
Kaizaki had a look of extreme pain on his face. The more he explained his actions, the more he began to doubt the path he had chosen. It had tossed him into a new state of confusion, one with no conclusion. That sorrow on Kaizaki's face was such that he seemed to be begging for him not to say no more.
"...Irobe-dono. Whatever the circumstances, there is one thing which will never change. I desire him from the very bottom of my heart. This would never change." Kaizaki lowered his head and said in a hoarse voice. "Even now. I desire him, desire him to an overwhelming degree."
Kaizaki said painfully, as though he was in confession. He no longer said any more. With a prudent expression, Irobe asked in a soft voice.
"...Have you made your decision in that matter?"
"..."
"That last matter."
"The one to make the final decision, is not me." Kaizaki gritted his teeth and said. "That person would be him."
"..."
Irobe thus remained silent.
The clear water in the pond reflected the evening sky like a mirror. Ripples appeared across the vermilion water surface once again.
Original fiction © Kuwabara Mizuna.
Draft: Version 1 - final
Notes:
PS: do not distribute this without my permission
Looking back at Naoe and Takaya, there was only a very brief moment in their lives when they had a gentle relationship.
Those several months following their reunion, when they were still 'an ignorant child and his protector'.
It had been Takaya's first encounter with this sort of person. Having been abandoned by his mother, harboring only hatred for his father; for someone like Takaya who did not trust his relatives or anyone else, it was only logical that this person left him dumbfounded. He never knew that such an adult existed.
With Naoe's unconditional protection, the tenacious wall around Takaya had gradually melted away without him realizing it. His body began to remember, the place where he could look to for relief.
Sometimes Takaya would merge the figure of Naoe's back with the image his father when the latter was young. Naoe's body had that sort of tenderness and reliability - the fatherly warmth that Takaya once loved the most. As long as he stayed by his side, he could be at ease.
Or perhaps Naoe could exist in such a way at that time because he had been 'Ougi Takaya'. Back then he was merely a senior high school student, unaware of the dispute between them for the past 400 years. As he did not have the hindrances and emotions of the past, perhaps it had made it possible for Naoe to see him as a young and naive person who had to be protected.
...Was that the reason why he could be so gentle?
Once Takaya reverted to 'Kagetora', Naoe's pain returned. 'Kagetora' was the name of his suffering, wasn't it?
If he had not reverted back to 'Kagetora', could he have maintained that gentle relationship with Naoe?
Had Naoe also... hoped for this?
Would Kagetora acknowledge this as their ideal?
They had such happiness back then.
But that moment of gentleness was only an evasion of their pain, merely a short dream. Naoe and him were burdened with too much suffering, their souls could not be rescued with such bare means. The powerful and the powerless. The victor and the defeated. Naoe's love was always accompanied with jealousy and inferiority. Hence, his longing was particularly intense. Could they not understand each other? Could they not forgive each other?
Takaya had pondered over this many times.
But, now...
Perhaps, not even that pain could be retrieved anymore.
The more they lived, the deeper their unease. The longer the path they had to tread, the more Naoe's wish of turning everlastingness into a reality forced him towards a hopeless end.
Fearing tomorrow.
Fearing that when tomorrow comes, he might just leave.
400 years could not prove anything. Even if he continued to cherish those 400 years, it would not make any difference if this ended in the next second. No one could foresee what tomorrow would bring. Perhaps Naoe was already pursuing someone else. Naoe's inferiority complex was not something visible. Nor could it be quantized or measured. If he was no longer bound to his attachment, it could easily invite the end of this conflict.
He once wanted to enhance these unreliable feelings into a 'general relationship'. For this purpose, it was imperative for them to play the part of 'the king and the challenger'.
It was impossible for him to hold off Naoe's power indefinitely. He did not have that sort of intense charm and strength. He knew this hence his fear. He was consistently dominated by unease, with never a sense of peace.
He could not let Naoe surpass himself. If he were overtaken, the yearning that Naoe had for Kagetora - that feverish desire would probably grow faint. There would be disappointment, pity, then he would love another. He would be banished from the center of his passion.
Perhaps the love itself would never fade away, as though that steady and tender affection between them would always exist as demonstrated by that short period after they were reunited. Despite the loss of intense emotions, people would eventually prefer such a relationship. In order to live on. In order to endure the endless years of life together. In order to stay by each other's side and live, a sacrifice was needed. The sacrifice in question would be those blazing emotions, including that mad, incessant cry of desire.
It was simply not possible for man to pursue a certain object until his death. It would one day be achieved. If not, it would be abandoned. Abandoned due to a lack of strength. Then they would speak of their abandon as wisdom acquired, allowing themselves to accept this setback. Calm and peace, this was what the majority of people hoped for. But on second thought, just how much of it was real 'calm'?
In general, wasn't it merely a 'compromise' adorned as something elegant to avoid the feelings of guilt?
I've grown exhausted from this intense pursuit, so please let me go.
Pleading with an invisible person... as though asking for forgiveness.
Using such sweet words...
Takaya endured the wind blowing from the moat, muttering to himself.
The person who wants forgiveness the most... is obviously me.
An affectionate relationship. Without a doubt, he was seeking for eternal steadiness and tenderness therein.
But...
Tenderness alone, could no longer satisfy this hunger. His hunger had grown too deep, prolonged for too long a time; tenderness alone could not satisfy him.
If he was not fiercely desired, he would die. Helpless. The insatiable want in his soul, now uncontrollable, had become a raging flame that could never disappear. Thick and dense, profound and intense...
A craving which resembled a black hole.
For these 400 years, he had been so desperately searching for something to fill it that his soul was now deteriorating and emitting a strange stench. This hunger could not be quenched no matter what he did.
Anxious to fulfill it, his unease swelled with each passing day, his attachment to Naoe grew even greater, increasing at a suffocating concentration and speed.
It's not possible for me to ask this of anyone else...
He would reach his limit one day... The bounds of his spirit... However, only his hunger remained boundless.
What was the real reason for this hunger?
Why did he so madly pursue him?
Once Naoe was not by his side, he felt a frightening nervousness with his existence. If no one told him that he was proper, he could not be at ease. He wanted evidence. Something that could attest to his way of life, proof that his thoughts were appropriate. Naoe had personally proven all of these. He had resisted his own feelings of defeat and struggled to realize his desire of surpassing him. This attitude in itself was a testament of Kagetora's worth. Surface appearances and words alone gave him no confidence. However Naoe's humiliation was real. It was not a ruse. Because of the stark nature of his humiliation, it could be trusted. In order to approve of himself, he needed this man. Only that man could do it. Because of the shame of someone like Naoe, he could acknowledge himself.
This so-called self-acknowledgment, I can't do it without others, can I...
What did this profound state of dependency indicate?
What was this, if not dependency?
If no one tells me it's proper, I can't be convinced of my own integrity, can I...
He had no confidence. Because of this incurable feeling of inferiority and excessive desolation, he would be easily shaken.
What was his worth after all, if he was always looking for approval from others?
Why was he like that...
Takaya smiled in self-pity.
I've only been pretentious...
His exhausted cheeks trembled slightly. Now that it had come to this, what more was there to say? Wasn't Naoe tired already, hadn't he given up on him?
Even when Naoe's hand had left his side and gone far away?
Even when Naoe no longer said anything to him?
Perhaps it's too late for everything...
--You have been confused by a fake...
Is this my new place of escape?
Takaya questioned the words in his heart.
Still unwilling to accept the fact that Naoe's heart has left me, that's why I'm struggling right?
--I will bring you back to reality.
That so-called reality... where is it?
Finding it difficult to breathe, Takaya clenched his teeth. Kaizaki had told him not to ignore any doubts, no matter how small it may be. So that he would not mistake sincerity for subservience.
--Please decide for yourself.
How can he say those words?
--You know it.
Know the answer.
--Please understand the truth.
Where do I look for the truth?
--Your closest ally is yourself.
He sincerely listened to the voice within him. Accepting it.
In that way, he could grasp the answer.
Takaya deeply appreciated what Kaizaki had told him. From that evening onwards, he had been always thinking. Should he take his advice? Were that man's words sincere? Kaizaki had said that the answer was in his heart. His eyes, capable of discerning the truth, were being deceived by shame, guilt and self-loathing. He had to remove them. But Takaya knew that this was the hardest thing for him to do.
He tried looking for any inconsistencies in his memories. If something was really not right, where exactly was the source of the problem...? Despite searching, he could uncover any clues. Even when he reviewed the events of the past, he could not detect any anomalies.
However, he wanted to put his trust in Kaizaki. But there was something he wanted to know even more. Why did Kaizaki have what he needed - all of the things that Naoe used to have?
Perhaps there were other people who possessed that special quality as well. But if so, did this mean that he would be happy with anyone who had these traits? What about his loyalty to Naoe? If that was the case, what was Naoe to him? What was loyalty to a person then? If Naoe were to lose the very object which Takaya yearned for, would that be the end? Then how was this any different than 'betrayal', the very thing he hated? How was it any different from abandoning something because no satisfaction could be obtained? So what about his love for Naoe? Wasn't he a traitor as well?
Enough... already...!
Don't compel me anymore. Takaya begged himself.
He closed his eyes wearily.
What... 'general relationship'...
It crumbled so easily.
But that was why he was always pursuing it.
Didn't it crumble very early on...
No. A voice somewhere in his heart answered.
--Please remember.
Takaya opened his eyes.
--Because you are my only life force.
The only one who could say this, was Naoe.
Because he was Naoe, he could say this.
Naoe was an irreplaceable existence, shouldn't he be most aware of this fact?
Nothing could become a substitute for him...
Wasn't he more aware of this fact than anybody else?
I want to ascertain...
Takaya looked up at the Kumamoto castle tower looming above the beautiful rock wall.
He wanted to know the truth.
He wanted to start from the truth.
I've decided...
It did not matter if this was his last hope. If there was indeed a problem somewhere, he wanted to ascertain the location of the truth. It did not matter if he was deemed as weak. Nor did it matter if he was mocked for having evaded it. Whatever happens, the truth would reveal itself one day.
The issues of the future,
should not be thought about now...
Takaya gazed at the clear sky. Saying that man's name aloud as though in prayer to the heavens.
The frosty northern winds continued to blow down the street.
Takaya passed through the entrance of the hotel. Once he stepped into the lobby, the figure of a black-suited man he was accustomed to seeing abruptly came into his view. Takaya stared at him.
The man was immediately aware of Takaya. He stood up from the leather sofa, and spoke.
"Kagetora-sama."
Takaya gazed at this figure who he cherished more deeply than anyone else for the past 400 years, he squinted his eyes in grief.
Desire for...
The truth.
Now...
***
Fuuma Kotarou had reached the hotel an hour before Takaya returned. It took Kotarou one week to settle all of the issues caused by the Enoshima incident; by right he should have remained in Fukuoka to assist Ayako as instructed by Takaya. He explained that he was here to make a report.
Takaya looked somewhat surprised that Kotarou had come to Kumamoto. He never expected him to take the initiative of paying a visit. Takaya indicated that he did not wish to discuss matters in the lobby and instructed him to follow him to his room. Kotarou complied.
Takaya's manner towards Kotarou had not changed much, he spoke very little. He would not say any more than was necessary for their conversation. However Takaya looked nervous, Kotarou felt rather puzzled at that. Once they were in the elevator, Takaya spoke.
"Looks like the situation at Enoshima is settled."
"Yes. I shall go through the details once we are in your room... The Takeda have advanced to Bousou. Apparently, the Miura territory has fallen under the direct control of the Takeda. However, there is something that bothers me."
"What?"
"The whereabouts of Kaizaki Makoto, who was once in league with the Satomi, remain unaccounted for. Haruie has confirmed that he was indeed present at Enoshima, but all information on him disappeared after that and we cannot trace him. I have already sent my men to look for-"
"... I ran into Kaizaki today."
Kotarou looked at Takaya in shock. "Ran into him? You met Kaizaki here?"
"Yeah..."
"So he is in Kumamoto? How is that possible... but why?"
"I don't know. He's planning something, he said he's working together with Takahashi Jouun."
"Takahashi... Jouun?"
"Takahashi Jouun is Ootomo Sourin's retainer. He's the lord of Chikuzen's Iwaya Castle, who is as famous as Sourin's right-hand man, Tachibana Dousetsu, and the others in the Ootomo. After Dousetsu's death, Jouun single-handedly led the rapidly degenerating Ootomo and Shimazu Yoshihisa's Satsuma army of 50,000 men into a fierce, all-out war."
"Ootomo... Sourin..."
He was the one from the Ootomo clan who had been known as the feudal chief of northern Kyushu island. After the destruction of the Oouchi and the Shouni clans during the Warring States era, Shimazu, Ryuuzouji and Ootomo became the three main warrior houses of Kyushu and were thereafter mutually locked in a power struggle. Ootomo Sourin once acquired six other provinces apart from Bungo and was deemed as Kyushu's strongest force. Its power came from the economic wealth provided by foreign trade. Sourin's foresight in prioritizing foreign trade was a unique quality among the daimyo during the Warring States era. Nevertheless, the primary reason for his success was the assistance rendered by his excellent vassals. Tachibana Dousetsu, the boy he raised - Muneshige, as well as Muneshige's father, Takahashi Jouun... All of them were ferocious generals famed for their military prowess.
As a result of the support from these capable and bold talents, Ootomo increased in power thus claiming the title of the strongest in Kyushu island.
No wonder Takaya's expression had grown stiff. He did not expect Mikuriya Juri to be related to Ootomo.
"Ootomo Sourin is in Kumamoto..."
"The one in command of the Ootomo now is Tachibana Dousetsu, who has been declared as 'the incarnation of the God of Thunder'. His son, Tachibana Muneshige, has also been resurrected. Takahashi's group of men, who were seen with Kaizaki, are all kanshousha. The situation does not look very encouraging. Perhaps we should prepare ourselves for a major battle."
"..."
Was Kaizaki now allied with the Ootomo?
After the 'Method of Connecting to Hell' at Enoshima, just when he was starting to feel uncertain over his disappearance, things have suddenly---. As a descendant of the Satomi, he was someone from this era who had gotten involved with the war of the Yami Sengoku.
Was he fleeing? Or did he have some other objective...
"What an incomprehensible guy." Takaya muttered as he leaned against the side of the elevator. "He betrayed the Satomi to save me... And now that he's with the Ootomo, he even has the nerve to say that he can help me. I seriously can't understand his thoughts. These sort of people are really the most difficult to deal with."
"Save you...? You mean to say that he was the one who informed us of your whereabouts at that time?"
"..."
Takaya had a solemn expression. Kotarou had never personally seen Kaizaki. However he knew very well that Takaya was particularly concerned about Kaizaki. There was another issue that bothered him: the handwriting on that business card. Takaya, too, could tell that the handwriting on the card was strangely similar to Naoe's. Kotarou was obviously well-aware of the characteristics of his own forged handwriting. The handwriting on the card was extremely similar. If Kaizaki was the one who had disclosed Takaya's whereabouts, then was that his handwriting?
--Naoe is still alive.
--He wants me to wait.
Takaya had said this after encountering Kaizaki.
Is that man related to Naoe?
Kotarou did not believe Naoe was still alive. Naoe was dead. He should no longer have any power left for performing kanshou. He had verified Naoe's death with his own eyes; his remains had been burned to ashes.
Kotarou hastily considered the facts. Even if Kaizaki was indeed Naoe, Ayako had seen Kaizaki before. And even if Ayako could not recognize him as Naoe for whatever reason, at the very least, she would have been aware of his identity as a kanshousha. ...But Kaizaki was not a kanshousha.
Takaya words and actions were cause for concern. If this had something to do with Kaizaki...
What is his objective...?
"..."
Kotarou caught Takaya's gaze and returned to his senses. Takaya had been watching Kotarou as though he was scrutinizing him. Kotarou relaxed his tone of voice and asked.
"What is the matter?"
"...Nothing."
The elevator reached the 10th floor. The two of them exited the lift and entered the room. Kotarou headed to the guest area and prepared two cups of coffee while Takaya changed his clothes. Takaya wore an ordinary pair of jeans and sat on the sofa.
"Let's begin."
Kotarou started his report with the details on how the problems in Enoshima were handled. Kyoutake real estate had immediately withdrawn from Enoshima after the battle. From a business point of view, this was not a very beneficial project to begin with. In addition to that, the firm's chairman and employees had been arrested by the police and the internal administration of the company had spiraled into chaos. Since the corporation itself was caught up in a crisis, they were no longer concerned with Enoshima. As for the agents from the special investigation department, they immediately launched an inquiry on the Satomi, but as the Satomi clan was no longer in this world, they could not obtain any further information. Kotarou concluded that they would not bring about any complications for now.
Takaya listened in silence. If Naoe's role was limited to such undertakings, then Kotarou would have been able to play the part of Naoe to perfection.
Following the end of his report, the subject switched to their current endeavors.
"You may have heard of this from Haruie."
Kotarou said and began his account. Ayako and Kotarou had begun to investigate four strange disappearances which occurred around the center of Kyushu island.
Hakata, Kurume and Beppu; the other disappearance happened in Tokyo. The four individuals who went missing were aged between 20 and 30 years, and disappeared under similar circumstances, all of them going missing within the past month. What was strange was that all the cases involved a fire outbreak.
Every one of them could not be found at the scene itself after the fire was extinguished, appearing to have vanished, as though they had been burned together with the flames to the point where nothing remained. All of the incidents involved small fires in their place of residence, however the fire always started in the room they were in. Some people theorized that they had undergone spontaneous human combustion. The police had given rather weak statements on the issue, however a thorough investigation revealed a common feature among the four victims.
"...Followers of a new religion?"
Takaya asked, Kotarou nodded.
"Although it is new, it is not a registered religious organization. It is connected to Shintoism. Despite having been regarded as a new religion, it began during the ancient times and has been passed down through the generations. It seems to be the type of religion which involves independent conviction, with the clan serving as the main unit."
"An independent conviction, with the clan as the main unit..."
"Yes. It could be regarded as being closer in concept to the idea of social customs and practices. Because it's passed down through the generations of the clan in a discreet manner, it does not gain new followers by means of preaching. Its headquarters is in Beppu. The birth of this religion however is somewhere else. Apparently, they left that territory a long time ago. There are approximately 50 to 60 followers, their activities are all house ceremonies, in other words they are carried out in secret. They are a small-scale religious organization."
"In secret huh?"
"The religious society is known as the Fire Sect." Kotarou said unenthusiastically. "At present, I only have a rough outline of the situation, ...their enshrined deity is Takeiwatatsu-no-mikoto. With fire as the symbol of their conviction, their origin probably lies in the foothills of Aso."
"Aso? ...Takeiwatatsu-no-mikoto?"
"Yes. The Takeiwatatsu-no-mikoto of the legends of Aso could be considered as the central deity of the 12 gods who originated from Aso. He is also the main enshrined deity of Aso shrine. They use special rituals to worship Him, and have have maintained their beliefs through the long years of their lives, through the many generations."
"Flames... fire outbreaks..." Murmuring these words like they were clues, Takaya placed his hand on his chin. "Disappearances..."
"Haruie is in the process of acquiring further details from the families of those missing persons. Furthermore, there is another matter I wish to inform you..."
"What is it?"
"It concerns a strange eyewitness account."
"Eyewitness account?"
"The testimony from a neighbor who witnessed the scene of the fire in Kurume. However, it seems like the policemen have laughed it off as a joke." Kotarou lowered his voice. "The eyewitness said that he saw the victim fly from the scene of the fire into the sky."
"Fly up into the sky?"
"Yes." Kotarou nodded with a serious expression. "Fly up into the sky from the flames. The eyewitness had doubted his own eyes at that time, however he said that the missing person had indeed flown up to the sky in a silent manner, then disappeared into the mountains to the south."
Takaya frowned, revealing a look of suspicion.
"What on earth is going on?"
"The finer details of the incident are still under investigation. If we encounter any new information, I will immediately inform you."
"..." Takaya pondered deeply for a while, then nodded at Kotarou. "I shall leave this to you then. That Aso incident bothers me a little. Although it may be unrelated to the Yami Sengoku, I want to know more about that Fire Sect. Continue with your investigation."
"Understood."
"Well then---" Takaya said as he stood up, Kotarou's eyebrows twitched a little.
"Kagetora-sama..."
"That's the end of your report, you've to return now right? There isn't anything else you have to tell me right? I'll see you down to the lobby."
"..."
"That's all you have to tell me right?"
Kotarou widened his eyes. It seemed like Takaya was serious about sending Kotarou out. Naoe would not say anything in excess, thus Takaya matched it by behaving in a mechanical way.
"Kagetora-sama."
Kotarou called him but could not continue.
"..."
Takaya waited for a brief moment, anticipating his following words. When he understood that he would not say anymore, Takaya lowered his head as if in defeat and sorrow. He stepped forward and opened the door as though saying, "Leave." Kotarou stood up powerlessly and walked out. Just as he exited the room, Kotarou said.
"...Can't I stay here for a little longer?"
Takaya's shoulders jumped. "Naoe."
"I came here to see you. Can't I stay for a little longer?"
Takaya was clearly shaken at this unexpected request. It was obvious that he had been waiting for these words. The look in his eyes wavered in bafflement and unease, however, as he was afraid of experiencing any more hurt, the thought of protecting himself prevented him from giving in. Takaya forcefully turned away.
"No. You're busy. Not to mention that you should quickly get started on your investi-"
He did not finish. Kotarou grabbed Takaya's shoulders all of a sudden, turned his body around and embraced him tightly. Takaya's eyes widened in shock.
"Huh..."
Kotarou's arms were firmly wrapped around Takaya. Takaya stopped breathing as Kotarou held him against his generous chest. As if unaware of what was happening, he did not show any sign of struggle in Kotarou's arms. Then Takaya lifted his head to look at Kotarou's face. Because of this abrupt move, the expression on Takaya's face was unexpectedly innocent and child-like. Kotarou quietly looked at him in this manner. The instant Takaya wanted to say something, Kotarou's face approached, sealing his lips. Takaya's eyes widened in astonishment, however that kiss was a quiet one. It was hardly amorous, just extremely cold.
"..."
Takaya frowned. In that moment, he took the initiative of pressing his lips against Kotarou's, but not long after his determination withered away. Takaya knew that the impulse from a moment ago would not return, his arms fell limply to his sides as though they had been invaded by a feeling of exhaustion. It was merely a cold kiss although it lasted for quite a while. Takaya remained indifferent to Kotarou's kiss until the latter stopped, closing his eyes as he waited for Kotarou to let him go in the chilly atmosphere. Kotarou looked at him, awaiting Takaya's reponse. Takaya lifted his head, looking at his face once again, he spoke in a low voice.
"Have you... even forgotten how to kiss?"
A chasm of pain appeared on Kotarou's expressionless face. Takaya quietly observed the shock in Kotarou's appearance which came close to lamentable degree. Takaya left Kotarou's embrace, only looking back at him once before the door closed behind him. Kotarou remained in the corridor dumbfounded.
For a long time, he could only stand there.
What is going on...
To think that the single step forward that he had taken resulted in such severity, paralyzing Kotarou's feet.
Why am I so badly shaken?
Was it because his impersonation failed? Or was it because that the lack of wholeness of his own skills had been so blatantly exposed hence his astonishment?
His actions had been part of a plan. Kotarou had been planning to do this from the start. He had come here with the intention of sleeping with Takaya if circumstances proved favorable.
What he said just now was not a lie.
Kotarou had indeed come to Kumamoto because of Takaya.
Three days ago, the high priest of Honganji, Kennyo, had probed into Kotarou's aspirations. He had requested for a revival of the alliance with the Hojo.
And the first step to the restoration of this alliance was to bring Takaya back to their side for the battle in Kyushu island. That was what he had told Kotarou.
--Head to Kumamoto and meet with him.
Kennyo had instructed him in this way.
It had finally come down to this. Kotarou felt this way.
In short, he had to maintain a close relationship with Takaya, at the same time he had to completely become Naoe so that Takaya would not have any suspicions.
Kotarou knew that physicality was an essential factor in the relationship between Naoe and Takaya. Previously, Naoe frequently yearned for Takaya's assent; Takaya, too, sought for it occasionally. Kotarou believed that he had to do this if necessary. Not too long ago, Takaya's words and behavior seemed to reflect a certain awareness that Kotarou was impersonating Naoe. At present, Kotarou was adamant about concealing the fact that he was not Naoe from Takaya, regardless of what happens. In order to carry out his task of bringing Takaya back to the Hojo, Kotarou had to be Naoe. He most definitely could not allow him to have doubts. For the sake of this, he would consider any means possible.
If Naoe and Saburo-dono have that sort of relationship...
If by doing this, Takaya would fully believe that Kotarou was Naoe and no longer be uncertain, then he had to this. In order to bind Takaya, Kotarou felt that he had to start a physical relationship with him.
Kumamoto was currently under martial law. For the moment, there was no immediate danger to a kanshousha. However for a hyoui rei like Kotarou, this was an extremely dangerous place to be. To come to Kumamoto in spite of this, apart from keeping his promise with the Ikkoushuu, there was one other thing which Kotarou felt to be of greater importance.
I ought to preserve my relationship with Saburo-dono as much as possible for now.
This was what he believed.
Kotarou had to become more Naoe-like than the Naoe he was imitating at the moment. He had trimmed the elegant, long hair that he used to have. The kiss had also been a calculated move. However it seemed like the more he wanted to become Naoe, the more Takaya grew aware of the differences between them, as demonstrated by that kiss. As long as he refrained from going one step further in their relationship he would not be exposed, however if he did not deepen their connection, he would have an even lower chance of becoming Naoe. Paradoxical as it may be, it was a fact.
--Do you want to become Naoe?
Yes. I want to become Naoe.
No. It is my duty to become Naoe.
He could imitate anything on the surface level. However, there existed a limit which was difficult to evade. Kotarou could not stretch his abilities to the point of mimicking emotions. This was a fact that he could not but admit. Kotarou knew that in order to mirror Naoe's every move, he would require the same feelings that Naoe had. Emotions could not be duplicated. It followed the same logic of not being able to understand another's pain if one did not stand in the same shoes. No matter how well he impersonated him, the fact that he was a fake would be revealed in the presence of a person who understood the character of the original individual. To Kotarou, that person was Takaya.
What is the best course of action to take...
There was no way he could look at Takaya from Naoe's point of view. He acknowledged that Takaya was indeed talented. As expected of Ujiyasu's son, he was rather outstanding. However, Kotarou did not dwell on feelings of inferiority or desires of surpassing him, he was not in psychological conflict with Takaya. He would never even think about comparing himself with Takaya in the first place.
He is probably someone who needs protection.
Whenever he thought of Takaya, what appeared in his mind was his frailty, which was a stark contrast to the steely determination that he had when systematically conducting a mission. That said, he did not disdain Takaya's frailty. Everyone had their weaknesses. That severely unsteady aspect of Takaya had unexpectedly spurred the desire to protect him in Kotarou. If one were to consider Kotarou's developing feelings for Takaya, this would be it.
I have no way of replicating Naoe's way of thinking.
Was this the most essential thing that he lacked?
Was this an emotion that he would never acquire regardless of what he did?
He could not forget the expression in Takaya's eyes that were so full of intense emotion. The feelings that had spurred Naoe; the feelings that had brought out his passion; the feelings that had emerged as a result of having been tempted by Takaya. --It was an emotion which he did not have. Once he thought of this, Kotarou's chest would always feel as though it was being weighed down with giant rocks.
Would this be... that so-called feeling of inferiority?
A crushing feeling, as though pieces of lead were precipitated in his soul...
Something that Naoe has... but not me?
Every meeting with Takaya amplified this feeling, after which Kotarou would be even more violently aware of Naoe, of this man's existence. The two of them occupied Kotarou's entire mind. No, his entire heart.
Am I envious of Naoe...
Kotarou searched his conscience.
--Have you even forgotten how to kiss?
Why...
"Kotarou-dono."
An unfamiliar man accompanied with two assistants had been waiting for Kotarou in the lobby. Kotarou only returned to his senses when his name was called. His shoulders trembled for a moment as though sensing that an enemy had discovered an opening for an attack, resulting in a startled appearance that was very unlike his usual self.
Who was it...!
The smiling face of a man attired in a deep-blue suit appeared, he approached a vigilant-looking Kotarou. He did not look guarded.
"It's me. You don't recognize me, do you? Kotarou-dono."
Kotarou creased his eyebrows due to uncertainty, then widened his eyes in shock.
"You are...!"
***
It was close to evening, the air outside had grown cold.
The gusty winds from the north blew in the garden, causing broad ripples in the pond, perturbing the reflection of the mountain on the water surface. Dusk had settled over the garden, the number of tourists had decreased.
This Suizenji Jojuen Garden, a Momoyama-styled flower garden, was constructed by the Hosokawa family, who used to govern the province of Kumamoto, as a retreat for tea ceremonies. It was a scenic spot, standing side by side with Kumamoto Castle as one of the tourist attractions of Kumamoto. The garden was rather vast, featuring miniature scenes from the 53 stages of the Tokaidou. The landscape of the garden was exceptionally beautiful, truly living up to its name. The bubbling spring in the pond came from Aso's underground water, no wonder Kumamoto was regarded as the 'City of Water', the quality of the water here was extremely pure.
The person expected appeared at the appointed time. Kaizaki Makoto and him had agreed to meet at the front door. The two of them passed through the garden, coming to the 'interval of instruction between the ancient and the modern' constructed at the edge of the pond.
"Kumamoto is truly a land of clear waters." Kaizaki stated as he gazed at the pond from the narrow porch outside the room. "Seems like water usage in Hakata has been tightly rationed because of the water shortage this year. However I heard that due to the rich, bubbling spring from Aso that Kumamoto has, there would be no anxiety over water shortages. The water here is indeed sweet. Even the taste of tap water here is completely different from elsewhere."
"I say, the tap water in Osaka can only be used for washing your mouth, not to mention that its bitterness lingers on for quite a bit."
Irobe Katsunaga remarked, laughing in a cynical manner. His clothes looked extremely casual in comparison to Kaizaki's, to the extent that he looked out of sorts standing next to him. Just from the style of his outfit, one could tell that he loved the outdoors.
"Kumamoto is a fire kingdom yet a city of water. Unbelievable."
"Mmm. Complete opposites."
Kaizaki smiled as he looked at the man-made hill on the other side of the pond. The cloudless sky extended over the lush pine trees. It seemed like the rain yesterday had thoroughly cleansed the the sky of its darkness, it was especially clear and bright.
"Mediation with the Ootomo appears to be going smoothly."
"Mmm. I have met with Tachibana Dousetsu, I'm currently regarded as a Satomi fugitive. I have already arranged for you to meet them tomorrow, Irobe-dono."
"You are really competent. This sort of preparatory work should be left to your subordinates."
Kaizaki smiled. "It is in my own nature I suppose."
"How is Kagetora-dono's situation?" Irobe sat down on the narrow porch, then lifted his head towards Kaizaki and asked. "How is he doing?"
"...Mmm." Kaizaki gazed at the reflection of the man-made hill on the water surface of the pond. "He is well. Irobe-dono, I wish you could meet him as soon as possible. He would definitely be very happy."
"If possible, I would like to meet him as well. We have not seen each other for 30 years after all. I would very much like to see him, speak with him. I truly long to do so."
"...Of course."
Thinking back on those long years when Kagetora's whereabouts had been unknown, Kaizaki nodded deeply. During that time, while the others were undergoing kanshou and had yet to return to the battlefront, Irobe alone had incessantly searched for Kagetora. Recalling Irobe's blood and toil, Kaizaki felt that he deserved the most recompense. Kagetora was like a son to Irobe. The joy of being reunited with him would be greater than anybody else. --And now that he was right before his eyes, he could not meet him; this was truly painful.
"But it's okay. As long as he is doing well." Irobe said, recalling what had transpired during that time, it was enough for him to know that he was alive and well. "Is Kagetora-dono still calling that Fuuma man 'Naoe'?"
"...Mmm. It appears that he won't be able to recover for quite some time..."
"How do you feel about that?"
"..."
"Must be painful to watch it, isn't it?"
"I feel puzzled." A forced smile appeared on Kaizaki's face. "I do not know if it's anger or anxiety. I even feel jealous of that man. I'm not very clear myself. My feelings are complicated."
"...If I were in the same position, I wouldn't be able to maintain my calm either."
"I don't understand it, how is it possible for him call a complete stranger in such a way? To the extent of faulting him for his problems. However," Kaizaki said, stuffing his leather-gloved hands into his pockets. "When I think about what unexpectedly happened to him as result of losing me... I don't feel like blaming him anymore. Neither is it possible for me to blame him."
"..."
"I can't deny that I feel happy about his predicament in a small corner of my heart. This proves that I have what it takes to drive him mad. ...This is what I meant by complicated."
Irobe looked at the side of Kaizaki's face in silence. The dried leaves floating in the water basin were blown by the wind, making them dance about the water surface.
"Are you planning to undo Kagetora-dono's self-hypnosis?"
"I can't let him carry on in this way right." Kaizaki's answer was certain. "That sort of distortion will exhaust the spirit. I won't allow this to shorten the lifespan of his spiritual nucleus. More importantly, I can't let the existence of that impostor continue to injure him. In order to undo the tangled threads, I have to first find the location of the kink."
"Are you going to conduct spiritual tracing on him?"
"... This is the only thing I can do right?"
"Isn't that method a little unpredictable?"
"..."
"We don't have any experience in undoing self-hypnosis arising from a major blow to the self. We have no way of predicting what might happen once he sees the right memories. It might bring about a resistance or perhaps nothing would happen. There's a chance that he would accept the truth without any problems, however there's also the danger that he might go mad or lose control."
"I won't let him end up that way." Kaizaki asserted in a resolute voice. "This will be different from the situation back then."
"..."
"I am still alive." Kaizaki uttered sincerely. "I still want to live like how I am now. This is the big difference. I can definitely stop him from going mad."
"..."
In the very depths of Kaizaki's eyes, there was a staunch determination. That expression conveyed his resolve of never retreating. Since when did he have such decisiveness?
No...
Previously, he had shown this same strength which Irobe found amazing. It was during the time where Kagetora had yet to be found. He had said to Irobe and the others, who were on the verge of giving up, that if he were to die when Kagetora was still alive, he would be responsible for Kagetora's loneliness. This was something that he could not allow. Kagetora was definitely still alive.
Looks like he didn't lose his strength.
Not only did he not lose it, Irobe felt like this strength had been fortified. Where did the basis for this self-confidence come from? What was it that bolstered his strength? Irobe felt that he understood.
"Seems like this matter has become your proof."
Irobe picked up the wooden ladle on the water basin, emptying the water in the scoop. He muttered.
"Your existence has such a high standing in Kagetora's heart. Are you still unsatisfied? ...Are you still so attached to victory and defeat?"
"I've always known that he loves me."
Hearing this unexpected answer, Irobe could not help but look at Kaizaki. "You..."
"However I also understood the sort of love it was. From the very beginning, I was regarded as the 'defeated' and thus needed. In order to continue to be needed, I would always have to be the defeated. He's the type of person who obtains confidence and relief from being victorious in a conflict. Constantly ensuring his superiority, that is the driving force of his life."
"Are you saying that you're seen as a stepping stone and thus loved in that way?"
"...I guess you can say that." Kaizaki gazed at the canopy of the pine trees. "It's probably because of my own nature. There is no other man more suited for this role than I am. ...He is someone who is always excessively severe on himself, reluctant to accept even the smallest praise. Perhaps only by constantly surpassing me can he grudgingly begin to love himself."
"Do you see yourself as his sacrifice?"
"I don't consider this a sacrifice." Kaizaki replied very firmly. "If I were to use that word to explain this feeling, then I'm really a person with no sense of shame. The reason I am so attached to him is because having my self-respect crushed by him has resulted in grief. I want to be more outstanding than he is. I want to be praised by people as being more able than he is. I want to rid of this heavy rock that he is as fast as I can. This is a kind of yearning, a kind of self-defense. ...Do I look like the type of person who would happily allow myself to be a stepping stone for others?"
"So this is because of your own yearning?"
"A repulsive emotion no doubt."
"..."
"Do you disdain me?"
"No..." Irobe replied, he stood up. "I think I have a rough idea of your frame of mind. But, looking at Kagetora now, do you still want to surpass him?"
Kaizaki was silent.
"I think you've done fairly well within this past year. To be frank, I never expected you to be capable of such perfect command. Be it your judgment, decisiveness or leadership, you are not inferior to Kagetora. Even Hakkai has praised you. ...Even so, are you still unsatisfied?"
"...That sort of praise is complicated." Kaizaki walked towards the edge of the pond. "Sometimes it makes me feel uneasy."
"Uneasy?"
"Sometimes I am not sure. Every single course of action that I take doesn't seem to be my own. Even when I feel that I've exercised my own prudence, it starts to feel like it is really his sense of judgment. Which views are my own, which are his? Honestly, I never knew I had been so deeply influenced by him."
It was far more apparent to him now that they were separated. During the times spent by his side, he had struggled to assert his own individuality, but now that he was independent, he was endlessly startled at how he had been so profoundly affected.
"Once I'm aware this, it becomes an unbearable fact. When I think about it carefully, I realize that I'm just imitating his actions. So much that sometimes I'm not sure whether my words are mine or his. His influence is too immense. To the extent that it will corrode the individuality of others. I find this painful, I once struggled desperately to resist it."
"..."
"Since I'm objective in this matter, when it comes down to a comparison, the facts of the past can't be avoided. I feel dismayed at my own shallow deliberations. Be it my judgment or decisiveness, all of them can't compare with his at all. The issues that he can so easily handle are impossible for me. I have once again been clearly reminded of this aspect. Even with another 400 years, I doubt I can be like him. For this reason, I feel disheartened, defiant, however..."
Kaizaki continued.
"Whenever I feel lost, I would unconsciously look to him for the answer."
Look to the Kagetora living within himself.
Despite being apart, Kagetora still existed in his heart, breathing as though he was alive, bringing an abundance of vitality.
"My heart would always return to him."
"Return...?"
"Only now do I realize it."
It was like his 'refuge'. It was the first time he understood that each individual existence had the ability to become a spiritual 'refuge' for another.
"Perhaps it is indeed a mistake to engage in a superiority contest with your refuge."
"..."
"However, as long as I can't escape from my attachment, I have no choice but to seek for an answer that I can accept. If I can't find it in this field of view, then I must carry on until my horizon changes. This is what I think."
"Carry on towards Kagetora's position?"
"...To a place where I can see the same view that he can."
Irobe looked at Kaizaki standing against the wind with a sincere expression on his face.
"Won't you feel disappointed?"
"Irobe-dono."
"You idealize Kagetora too much. This ideal might collapse even tomorrow. If you come across someone more outstanding than Kagetora, wouldn't you feel disappointed in Kagetora? Don't you think that when you feel that you've surpassed him, you would lose your love for him?"
Kaizaki looked at Irobe with a solemn expression.
"Kagetora probably fears this. Isn't that why he doesn't dare give you too much?"
"...Perhaps." Kaizaki replied in a low voice. "As long as I'm a worshipper or a rebel, this possibility is always there. Nevertheless, I have taken the next step. Even now, I'm honestly not capable of understanding him. It's impossible for someone who worships others to understand the pain of the one being worshipped. In order to understand his pain, I must climb to that position. I must personally experience that same pain. Rather than remain ignorant of his suffering and continue to forcefully admire him as an ideal, it'd be better for me to personally know his pain, take in all of his recondite assets as my own."
"..."
"A sentiment such as disappointment is a product of my own self. I am not in love with an idol. I don't want to love him with that sort of worthless affection and arrogance."
Irobe thought, "Indeed". More than anyone else, Kagetora wanted a sensitive person. He was more keenly aware than others when someone was disappointed in him. It was probably even easier for him to recognize someone who was disappointed yet continued to love him out of pity. Deception was impossible before his high level of perception. With someone who clearly disapproved of him yet loved him out of charity, he would definitely refuse to indulge in this sort of cheap romance. Although it was obvious that his need to be loved was more intense than anyone else, his fear of being loved was equally intense. Kagetora was such a person. He was afraid of behaving like a spoiled child, hence he would disdainfully reject these type of things. Yes. Kagetora ought to be someone who would rather choose to understand the truth and be wounded, than indulge in make-believe.
"What about that matter about being a stepping stone?" Irobe's expression had grown severe. "If what you said just now is true, the foundation of Kagetora's self-assurance would disappear if you lose your feelings of defeat towards him. What would happen... to Kagetora?"
That issue he was trying to avoid was unexpectedly mentioned, Kaizaki painfully knitted his brows.
"If you no longer have to be attached to victory and defeat in order to continue your pursuit of something, what would Kagetora think?"
"He..."
After that one word, he could not continue. Kaizaki's expression had grown dismal, he became pensive. The conflict in his heart would sometimes be so great as to shake the decided path... Was this the correct path? Must it really not be changed? In reality, could it be that their current relationship was not even close to its paramount form? ---He was uncommunicative due to melancholy; Irobe had seen this expression countless times before. Even though he had overcome his own suffering now, he could not predict how his relationship with Kagetora would turn out. For this reason, unease and desolation were etched deeply into the side of Kaizaki's face. After all, if the perfect answer could be so easily found, they would not have had to suffer for such a long period of time...
"You... aren't resisting anymore, are you?" Irobe was not being reproachful in his questioning. "Are you no longer attached to victory and defeat?"
"...I don't know either." Kaizaki's gaze fell to the dried leaves beside his leg. "Judging from the way I'm so concerned with my own ingenuity, perhaps I'm still unsettled over this contest for superiority with him. It's easy to find a temporary repose. But if I give in now, it would be a compromise. Proceeding is the only thing I can do."
"Actually, you no longer have any feelings of defiance against Kagetora right."
"...Irobe-dono."
"You're obviously no longer like what you used to be, consciously harboring a sense of revolt, and yet you still speak of this. It's because you're trying to fight against your inherent nature right. In actual fact, you fear a liberation from attachment right."
"... The feeling of being constrained has lessened considerably." Kaizaki lowered his eyes and said gloomily. "But I believe it's because of we are separated by quite a distance. The moment I return to him, I would be bound to that pain once again. For those 28 years of my continuous search for him, I could momentarily forget that sense of humiliation. However, I had not overcome it. When we were apart, I wholeheartedly thought of only wanting to be tender to him, but once I am by his side, I would be tormented with feelings of inferiority and shame, resulting in a loss of self-control, and I can't help but want to hurt him. - Even now, my return to his side could easily spark a disastrous repeat of the past. As long as my innate personality doesn't change."
"When the answer is so clear, what are you still confused about?"
"Irobe-dono."
"What are you confused about? It seems like the source of your confusion is not just out of your worry for Kagetora. Don't tell me you're afraid of losing your attachment? The truth is that, in your heart, you find comfort in your desire to surpass Kagetora. You're uneasy over what might happen to you if this intense emotion disappears, aren't you? Your strong fighting spirit against Kagetora is your very support. Isn't that right?"
"Support...?"
"I can tell that there is no pretense in your attitude. But despite your encouraging words, what would you do if there should come a time when you are truly disappointed in or showing pity for Kagetora? The more you can't mask the true nature of your love, the greater your injury from turning into someone that you can't accept. Not only Kagetora, but even you would crumble. Why do both of you choose to love each other in a way which would only strip yourselves of any retreat?"
Kaizaki trembled, he lifted his eyes.
"Both of you have never drawn back. Just where on earth are both of you trying to reach by mutually spurring yourselves in this way? Giving up an attachment is not a form of retrogression. It requires courage to withdraw or to abandon something. Some people have acquired satisfaction in this way."
"Irobe-dono." Kaizaki said in a firm voice. "This is our way of existence."
"Way of existence..."
"He and I... would much rather carry through and acquire the supreme, than withdraw and obtain satisfaction."
Kaizaki uttered with a fully resolute expression; there was a feverish tone to his voice.
"Perhaps some people may not be able to accept this, but I don't wish to use satisfaction as an excuse to comfort myself for having given up. I resist, I challenge, because this is the cry of my soul. I don't have the intention of doing what is proper or improper. It's because I will really crumble if I don't do this. I won't be able to breathe."
"..."
"Deep in my heart, I am happy about his weakened condition. I feel slightly at ease when I see that he can't threaten me. If he loses his strength, I won't have to fear getting crushed by him. Then I would have moved one step closer to my goal of surpassing him without any suffering. ...Even if I lose my attachment in this way, can it be regarded as having overcome him? Even if I am no longer in pain, it can't be considered as true peace."
"That's because you take it too seriously."
"Yes. I can't afford any compromise. In front of him, even if I wanted to compromise or deceive myself, it's impossible. A masked love is something that he hates more than anything else. It is the object that he hates the most in this world. ...I can only love him with a naked affection. Anything else that I do won't be able to obtain his acknowledgment and trust. For a soul so full of doubt, the trick of sitting on the fence would not work. Therefore, if I have indeed lost my love for him, I probably won't hide it, moreover it's impossible for me to do so even if I wanted to."
"Don't you find it cruel? Isn't this the equivalent of an unsympathetic and short love affair?"
"It's cruel I suppose. However a tender lie won't cure him of the unease which has severely wounded him. He understands this as well. Irobe-dono, if it was possible to deceive him with a white lie, I would have done so no matter how many lies I have to tell. However, this is useless to him. If I don't stake everything that I have, strip everything down to its bareness, I have no way of confronting that soul."
Irobe's expression gradually grew pale.
Despite asserting in this way, Kaizaki had already realized another one of Takaya's desires. He merely yearned for tender love even if he was being deceived. He did not care about reality but only sought for a love that would not injure his heart. Even if it was a lie, he only wanted the wings brimming with warmth to surround his heart for eternity. His heart was crying out in this way, hungry and thirsty to the point where it was on the verge of death. The reason for all of this was because he [Naoe] had injured him too deeply all this while. Once he realized this, Kaizaki painfully creased his brows. His desires contradicted each other...
The parade of his principles had made him [Takaya] suffer. Was he trying to twist his guilt into rightfulness by rationalizing his actions?
After a period of silence, Irobe spoke.
"The love between you two is much too dangerous."
"..."
"Why must you choose to love in a way that drives yourself down a dead end? Why must you choose a love which resembles a double-edged sword? No good will come out of this. It would eventually evolve into a mutual hacking of each other's flesh. This would surely lead to destruction rather than everlastingness. The eternal relationship that both of you hope for, isn't it only workable by giving in to forgiveness, compromise and deception?"
"Irobe-dono."
"Who do you guys think you are? Aren't both of you just acting in a way that's pleasing to the eyes? Isn't it merely an unwillingness to accept that both of you are changing into something even more repulsive than before?"
"..."
Irobe paused once he saw Kaizaki's facial response. Kaizaki's eyes conveyed a startling degree of sorrow as he looked at Irobe. Irobe could not say any more.
"It is as you said... Irobe-dono. I've always wanted to ask myself the same questions. If I question his display of false reasoning, what of the saint-like appearance that I've been wearing, hence I can only keep my mouth shut. If possible, I, too, want a sense of peace even if I have to deceive myself for it. I, too, once wanted to give up on contemplation and just go with the flow. I don't have the obligation of taking unnecessary pains to study an insoluble problem. It would be fine for me to just sink into depravity in a repulsive manner, wouldn't it? Even if I should feel disappointed in the saint I see in him one day, I won't mind. I will conceal it, let him dally as much as he wants, indulge in sex everyday and make him crave for pleasure, and shower him with flattering words. Perhaps he might even feel satisfied."
Kaizaki said in one breath, then calmly pursed his lips together. He shut his eyes and raised his head towards the sky in a restrained manner. - Irobe could only look at his face, unable to interrupt him.
"You..."
"Irobe-dono," Kaizaki said, turning towards him. "...Martyrdom is indeed the face of a mental abnormality. A love that has lost its softness, can perhaps only bring about destruction and damage. ...However, I still long for it. Struggling to realize that everlastingness which I swore to achieve."
Kaizaki's eyes gazed directly into Irobe's. There was an exceedingly sincere expression in his eyes.
"Because I want to believe in this love."
He said. However in the next moment, his mind was again assailed by pessimism; unable to endure it, Kaizaki shook his head painfully.
"Enough... already..."
"You-..."
"Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. I'm back at square one. Regardless of everything, it doesn't matter anymore. This is starting to sound as though I have chosen to love him in order to turn myself into the ideal. It's not that. I want him. I yearn for him. That is all. I only desire him. Please pay no heed to everything else that I have said. Apart from this, there's no other truth that I can find."
Kaizaki had a look of extreme pain on his face. The more he explained his actions, the more he began to doubt the path he had chosen. It had tossed him into a new state of confusion, one with no conclusion. That sorrow on Kaizaki's face was such that he seemed to be begging for him not to say no more.
"...Irobe-dono. Whatever the circumstances, there is one thing which will never change. I desire him from the very bottom of my heart. This would never change." Kaizaki lowered his head and said in a hoarse voice. "Even now. I desire him, desire him to an overwhelming degree."
Kaizaki said painfully, as though he was in confession. He no longer said any more. With a prudent expression, Irobe asked in a soft voice.
"...Have you made your decision in that matter?"
"..."
"That last matter."
"The one to make the final decision, is not me." Kaizaki gritted his teeth and said. "That person would be him."
"..."
Irobe thus remained silent.
The clear water in the pond reflected the evening sky like a mirror. Ripples appeared across the vermilion water surface once again.
Original fiction © Kuwabara Mizuna.
