Book 14 Chapter 11 朝の来ない部屋の中で

From Chinese translations by Hinako

Draft: Version 1 - final
Notes: Ikkoushuu (一向宗)
PS: do not distribute this without my permission

---

That night, the captive Miura Yoshimoto was taken to Satomi Yoshitaka at Mt. Kamakura. In the undeveloped woodlands behind the Tatsumi mansion there was an air-raid shelter sort of cave which had been assigned as an observatory, a stone Buddha from the Kamakura era had been placed inside.
The interior of the cave had undergone alterations, turning it into a rock prison. Yoshimoto was imprisoned in that place.

"How do you feel? Miura-dono."

Satomi Yoshitaka, accompanied by his subordinates, had come to examine the circumstances, Yoshimoto's four naked limbs had been bound, the muzzle on his mouth fell to the ground, Yoshitaka said to him in a jeering manner.

"This rock prison is wrapped in a kekkai, so even if you were a free hyoui, you won't be able to escape. ...Hmph. I never expected you to collaborate with the Uesugi in order to bury the fuuketsu. This is something that only a truly stupid person would want to do."

"What did you do to Uesugi-dono?"

Yoshimoto was on the ground with his hands tied behind his back, he stared at Yoshitaka, showing his hostility.

"Hmph. Not as amazing as what the rumors say. He was captured by our descendant. I intend to hand him over to Oda Nobunaga-kou."

"Oda! So you people have really joined forces with the Oda!"

"Just like how you chose the Takeda. However, hereafter the era will belong to the Oda. In the future, the one who will become powerful is Nobunaga-kou. By just looking at the current benefits, you made an error in your analysis of the general situation."

"What!"

Yoshitaka moved the cane in his hand through the bars, using the tip of the rod to lift Yoshimoto's chin.

"Very soon, the Oda will take the Kanto region. The Takeda shall be extinguished."

"That is impossible! It is not possible for the Oda to so easily capture the Kanto region that is under the control of the Takeda!"

Because it could not be so easily captured, the Takeda and the Oda were currently locked in intense conflicts that broke out unceasingly at the common boundary, in the vicinity of the front-most area of Fujikawa. The military strength of both sides were equally matched, but neither side retreated. The progress of the Oda's invasion of the Kanto region was considerably slow, the reason being that it was incredibly difficult to defeat Yamagata Masakage, who was serving as the defense line of the Takeda.

"That's right. However this won't hold up for much longer, Yoshimoto."

"What did you say?"

"Once the fuuketsu opens, the Takeda's Kanto region will be immediately conquered by the Oda. Once the incantation is executed, Enoshima, under the Kyoutake administration, will become the military base for the Oda's invasion plans of the Kanto region."

"Don't tell me you..."

Yoshimoto lifted his own body.

"Don't tell me you people... really want to summon the dead from Hell?"

"Hmph. It's still better for those who have died once to not linger around. Increasing the number of antagonists would cause more complications. How about it? Yoshimoto. Want to work for the Satomi?"

Yoshitaka asked in a soft voice, Yoshimoto looked at him with a deep sense of suspicion.

"You want me to betray the Takeda?"

"That's right. You wish to continue living in Yami Sengoku, don't you? As long as you become my subordinate, you'd obtain the support of the Oda and you Miura will be guaranteed eternal peace."

But Yoshimoto was still a man with conviction. He would not be so easily swayed by Yoshitaka's incentive.

"Even if you have obtained the Oda's protection, you still want to live on? Hmm, then why did you wish to be resurrected?"

"What did you say?"

"I was asking what is it that you are dissatisfied with that makes you remain in this world. I stayed in order to subjugate the disgusting Hojo clan. Even if I had to risk the reputation of the Miura clan since Kamakura, I still wish to kill every last one of the Hojo with my own hands before I can die peacefully!"

The Miura clan had been overthrown by the ancestor of Odawara's Hojo family, Soun. At that time, Arajirou Yoshimoto was positioned at the front end of the Miura peninsula at Arai castle (present day Miura Aburatsubo Bay) as the young 20-year-old lord of the castle. It was said he had the manpower of 85 men, a robust and brave exceptional man. Arai castle was an 'Island Castle' that bordered the coast on three sides, the steep high cliffs and turbulent waves could hinder the enemy army, it was then praised as an unrivaled and impregnable fortress.

During the Soun era (beginning of the 16^th century), there was a power struggle between Yamanouchi-Uesugi Akisada and Ogigayatsu-Uesugi Tomoyoshi, two large influences in the Kanto region. However, when they grew aware of the danger of Soun's growing power the two Uesugi factions combined their forces and opposed Soun. In order to defeat the two Uesugi factions, Soun concentrated his entire power in a decisive attack on the Miura clan, which were the favored retainers of Ougigayatsu-Uesugi and appeared to have the largest influence. Soun attacked Yoshimoto's father, Miura Yoshiatsu of Okazaki Castle (Hiratsukashi Okazaki), who was also the lord of the Miura clan at that time, and captured it. Yoshiatsu and his son Yoshimoto fled to Akai Castle, guarding the walls without leaving. However in July during the 13th year of the Eishou era (1516), Akai Castle, which had been deemed unyielding, was taken by Soun's military forces.

Seeing his father kill himself with the edge of the blade, Yoshimoto opened the city gates and welcomed the attack of Soun's army, he died heroically during the fierce battle. It was said that the eyes of decapitated head of Yoshimoto, that was hung on the tree branches for public view, did not close for three years. The blood of the numerous soldiers that perished in this conflict, floated on the sea like an oil slick, for this reason, this area of land was named by the later generations as Aburatsubo [oil pot].

Yoshimoto was the last of the Miura clan.

"You will not understand the grudge of a clan which suffered complete extermination. I wagered on the reputation of the Miura, wanting to personally send the Hojo clan to hell. I heard that Ujiyasu is still in this world. I will not die until I crush him. That is why I have remained here. ...But, what about you? You have no grudges or hatred, yet you stay in this world? Truly unfathomable. What on earth is the goal of the Satomi?"

Yoshitaka was unexpectedly silent. Yoshimoto continued to question him pressingly.

"If you have no remorse, wouldn't it be more comfortable to receive purification after death? We remain in this world because of an intense attachment to unfinished matters. What are you attached to? Why do you stay?"

"..."

"I want to kill the Hojo clan which extinguished the Miura. Indeed, perhaps the later generation do not even know my name. However this is insignificant. Although everyone talks of being able to engage in power struggles once again after resurrection, I myself do not have any large expectations. I know that I did not acquire any great talent from the heavens. I am doing this in order to surpass the Hojo. In order to kill the very last of the Hojo, I must live on in Yami Sengoku. To the extent that I will not hesitate to flatter the Takeda, I want to live on."

Yoshimoto stared at Yoshitaka.

"There is no god in this world. The one who can save me, is not God but myself. Satomi Yoshitaka. What is your reason? Why do you exist in this place?"

"...I don't know." Yoshitaka lowered his line of sight bitterly. "I don't understand either. The descendants of the Satomi have indeed never encountered the disaster of the extermination of the entire clan, we merely remained in this way. Even though we're not strong, we're not weak either..."

"And there was no suffering, really?"

"I am attached to, things which have no rivals." Yoshitaka clenched his lower jaw firmly. "Even though I'm not tenaciously adhering to anything, the feeling of not being entirely satisfied has always bothered me, making me anxious and fretful."

"..."

"I too want to know what these feelings of darkness are." Yoshitaka said, he knocked the wooden rod in his hand against the ground firmly. "Miura-dono, you said that you wanted to kill every last one of the Hojo. Then you must defeat the Uesugi."

"What?"

"The individual that you were working with, Uesugi Kagetora. That is a blood son of the Hojo. A direct descendant of Hojo Soun, who killed you."

"What did you say! What did you just say!"

It was only logical that Yoshimoto was shocked. Yoshimoto had lived during the first generation of the Hojo Godai, a person from the age of Hojo Soun. He was completely unaware of this matter.

"Uesugi-dono... Uesugi-dono is a Hojo?"

"He is Hojo Ujiyasu's son. Straight out. When the Hojo and the Uesugi formed an alliance, he was sent as a hostage to Echigo. Although his name was changed to Kagetora, there's no dispute over his bloodline."

"How did this folly occur..." Yoshimoto was dumbfounded for a while as a result of this unanticipated circumstance, he could not even say anything. "If that's the case, I was unexpectedly about to borrow the strength of the Hojo?"

"Furthermore, according to the rumors, Kagetora shall be returning to the Hojo soon." Yoshitaka continued, delightfully watching the change in Yoshimoto's expression.

"What did you say?"

"They say that two years ago, in the battle between the Mouri and the Oda, Ujiyasu was planning to make Saburou Kagetora leave the Uesugi, appoint him as the general of the Hojo and ally with the Mouri. The Hojo, with Saburou Kagetora as the new chief general, desire a plan for restoration. That Kagetora who you collaborated with, will resurrect the Hojo clan once again."

"...How can that be..."

"What are you going to do? Yoshimoto-dono." Yoshitaka asked in an appeasing voice. "Moreover the Takeda that you are relying on still has friendly relations with the Ikkoushuu. The reason for Ujiyasu's constant silence is also due to the fact that the ties between the Ikkoushuu and him have not been completely severed. If this continues, then you cannot help but consider the possibility that a day may come when the Takeda and the Hojo will, with the Ikkoushuu as the middleman, establish an alliance. Are you planning to willingly fight hand-in-hand with Hojo?"

"Don't joke with me!" Yoshimoto immediately replied with a resounding yell. "Who wants to cooperate with people like the Hojo!"

"Indeed, Yoshimoto-dono. You are the same as we Satomi, a clan who exists because of our hostility towards the Hojo. How about it? Yoshimoto-dono." Yoshitaka said, crouching down on one knee in the rock prison, his hand held onto the bars as he spoke to Yoshimoto. "Do you want to work with us?"

"With you people?"

"Yes. If the Satomi and the Miura unite now in common spirit, replacing the Takeda and the Hojo in the Kanto region won't be a mere dream."

Yoshimoto looked at Yoshitaka with a doubtful face.

"Do you suspect me? These are not empty words. As long as we have Nobunaga-kou as our support, expelling the Takeda and the Hojo at one go won't be something delusional."

"We... can replace them?"

"That's right. We won't let the people say that we're second-rate or third-rate clans again. In banishing the Takeda and the Hojo, we will become the lords of the Kanto region."

They could acquire the full seat of supremacy. Despite having been classified as first-rate or second-rate clans, how great was the actual disparity between them? They were merely a little less fortunate. All these rankings were just slightly askew. There was only a small difference.

"We are no ordinary talent for certain. As long as we have the same prerequisites as the Takeda or the Hojo, we should be able to become even more powerful than the Takeda. How about it, Yoshimoto-dono? Do you want to give it a shot? As someone who was deemed second-rate, for people like us who were not fairly evaluated, together we can become the lords of the Kanto region and leave our mark in history."

Lords of the Kanto region. These words incited a yearning in Yoshimoto's heart that could not be described by words, and deeply induced him. Yoshimoto himself had never indulged in this belief. Was he capable of standing at the summit? Although they had been labeled as a strong faction they were still second or third-rate clans. As retainers to no one, could he stand on the same lofty position of those supreme military leaders? Would he be able to see the 'scenery' that only they could see?

"Are we... capable of that too?"

"Yes. Of course." Yoshitaka nodded, full of confidence. "This time we will surely overturn history. We have no need to behave servilely anymore. By banishing the people who have oppressed us, we will then stand at the peak."

Impelled by Yoshitaka's words, Yoshimoto's face displayed a radiance that had never been seen before until now. Yoshitaka firmly stated.

"Our era is approaching soon."

***

Miura Yoshimoto consented to Satomi Yoshitaka's proposal, deviating from the Takeda and becoming allies with the Satomi. After sealing their pact with a blood oath, Yoshimoto was released from the rock prison and welcomed into the mansion by a military officer of his new ally.
Not long after, Yoshiyori returned from Kaizaki's apartment, and reported back to Yoshitaka.

"Really. We've captured Kagetora without any problems."

After hearing Yoshiyori's report, Yoshitaka nodded over and over again unceasingly with satisfaction.

"As what I expected of a descendant of our Satomi clan. Very capable."

"What does Father intend to do? If we leave Kagetora alive I'm not sure if it will pose a risk..."

"No. Nobunaga-kou said to capture him alive. Nobunaga-kou has suffered considerably because of Kagetora, he probably wants to torture him as much as he likes before killing him. ...Miura Yoshimoto wants to know where is Kagetora. Do not tell him. That guy might act impulsively due to past grudges. It would be terrible if our offering is killed."

Everything had been carried out smoothly, this placed Yoshitaka in a carefree mood. However there only one issue that bothered him. The 'Method of the Juuou Night Devil' that Masaki had put into effect had been blocked by a subordinate of the Uesugi.

"Damn Uesugi. A real eyesore."

"Masaki is ashamed to face my Lord." Masaki Tokishige beside him lowered his head deeply. "Masaki did not expect that they would discover this so quickly."

"Let bygones be bygones. The problem lies ahead. Seal their movements with our having Kagetora as a hostage. We must not suffer any obstructions in the implementation of our curse. Masaki, use your curse methods and kill all those Yasha."

"Understood!"

"Yoshiyori, start making your way to Fujinomiya."

Yoshiyori uttered 'Father' in reply, and nodded deeply.

"I will leave Fujinomiya to you. At midnight the day after tomorrow, implement the 'Method of Connecting to Hell' at the cavern of Enoshima and Fujinomiya's Asama Grand Shrine simultaneously. I will personally take charge of the base of the incantation at Enoshima. Masaki, summon Makoto over."

"Yes!"

"Going according to the plans, we have to evacuate all the residents of Enoshima by tomorrow. Employ the mermaids, we must not allow anyone near the periphery of the sea. Makoto shall be put in charge of all these matters."

Hearing his father's words, Yoshiyori showed an undisguised expression of dissatisfaction.

"Do you want to let that guy take command? Father."

"Yes."

"But..."

Apparently, Yoshiyori and Kaizaki could not get along. Yoshitaka was aware of this point. Yoshitaka's manner became critical, he admonished Yoshiyori.

"We need Makoto's strength. As a military leader, one must be able to repress everyday sentiments in times like these. Coordinate with him a bit."

"...But I've always had no confidence in that person! I just don't know what he's thinking at the bottom of his heart...!"

"Yoshiyori."

Having his name called strictly in this way, Yoshiyori was startled, he straightened his back.

"Lineage mustn't be so easily doubted. My father died due to a fight over inheritance as well. Your suspicious heart is too strong. This would give rise to disputes between brothers, as a result it would break up the family and cause the strength of the Satomi to fall. Discord within the house would only tire the head of the family."

"But Father, the Satomi managed to continue into the later generations because of my succession...!"

"I know. But because of this, the Satomi ended as nothing but an ordinary clan."

Yoshiyori was silent. Every single time his father mentioned this, Yoshiyori would have no words for a refute. His father's expression relaxed a little.

"I know what you're trying to say, Yoshiyori. But... after speaking with Miura Yoshimoto, I finally understood."

Yoshimoto had pressured Yoshitaka for his reasons for remaining in this world. Yoshitaka himself had not been able to find the answer until now. He did not have any intense hatred of anyone. In his heart, he was not strongly attached to anything either. Thus he had not been able to find the answer.
However, he finally found it in that piece of dialog. Although he truly did not have any fierce bond, there was a dense thickness at the bottom of his heart that could not disappear at all, flaming emotions of darkness.
Yoshitaka had seen its true colors.

"The Satomi are not second-rate. We are on the same level as the Oda or the Takeda. We are definitely not just ordinary." Yoshitaka said. "We must not behave in a submissive manner."

As tall and large as the giant stars... the Satomi wanted to stand on the very same position. His mood was like that of a youngster hoping to become a hero, Yoshitaka had always hoped for it.

"Definitely not second-rate..."

Yoshitaka could not voice out his adherence to this to Yoshiyori and Masaki. Even if he did not reveal this fierce anxiety, the endless hope that was rooted in his heart never disappeared, it dominated his soul even more deeply that he expected.

"We should first get to know Nobunaga-kou. We have already acquired Benzaiten's yorishiro. That girl, she will make a perfect, living Benzaiten."

Yoshitaka was referring to Suga Natsuo whom they had kidnapped. They were planning to use Natsuo as Benzaiten's yorishiro as required by the 'Method of Connecting to Hell'.
Yoshitaka stood up calmly, gazing at Mt. Kamakura in the deep darkness of night.

"When the fuuketsu opens, our wish shall be realized."

Yoshiyori saw the quiet enthusiasm on the figure of his father's back, he bit his lower lip. Yoshimoto resolutely believed that their plans were on the verge of success.
In order to purify the feelings that have never disappeared.

--In order to save myself...

Recalling Miura Yoshimoto's words, Yoshitaka smiled.
A calm and steady smile.

***

I liked his voice.
When he was by my side, as though that was only right and proper, I would always listen to his voice. A deep and clear voice. Although the intonation was very controlled, his voice always had an appropriate resonance, I could always sense his confidence and honesty in his voice.

--You are a gentle person.

These words would be spoken without any hesitation. He was obviously a man who loved to mock others, however, only in a moment like this, he did not know why he would reveal such an extremely forthright expression in his eyes.

You can say this to anyone right? He had once asked Naoe in disdain.
Naoe had squinted slightly.

--I can only say this to you.

Answering in this way, he had smiled.

Since he met Naoe, Takaya had noticed that he was a weak person when it came to intimate relationships. Before Takaya was aware of it, Naoe had probably understood this.

Naoe's movements were never unnatural, thus Takaya had not been particularly conscious of them. But in retrospect, he realized that Naoe had this surprisingly intimate relationship with him. Was it merely a usual procedure of guarding him? Perhaps he had always been somewhat absent-minded, whenever he was giving directives or engaged in other matters, Naoe would always embrace Takaya's shoulders or waist with perfect composure.

Furthermore, whenever Takaya felt his shoulders to be cold, Naoe would always cover him with his coat to give him warmth before he even mentioned it. Even though he showed off his power and turned his back towards Naoe, that warmth would surely pursue him from behind. When he wanted to be touched, Naoe would extend his hand without fail. As long as he hoped for it in his heart, it would definitely be conveyed to Naoe.

Why could it be conveyed?
He always felt that his display of solicitude was like a miracle.
He would always very naturally follow him by his side. In order to live on, Naoe's existence was such a necessity. In the insignificant everyday activities, he actually needed him greatly. Takaya never really knew.
And now, he suddenly died...


He wept until his body had nearly been dehydrated of all its blood and tears.
If his body could be torn open, that would be much better.
No matter how many times he turned back, no matter how much he longed for him, Naoe was not there. Once he thought of the impending time and space in which he [Naoe] no longer existed, there would be a certain of feeling in him of being shot to the very ends of hell.

Those movements and bearing that were so full of natural attentiveness had been such a precious thing.
No matter how he sought for it, seeking it to the extent of abandoning all of his self-respect, ...it could no longer be acquired. No matter how much he called out, that tender vocal sound would never return.
He had been weeping for too long, he was about to die...

You are not here...

He was howling so loudly as though he wanted to break his own throat. He was crying so loudly that his wails had turned into blood. Shrieking.

Doing my best to stretch my hands to the night sky, crying out for you to return. Return to my heart. Wailing in this way like madness is upon me.
I can no longer...
Hear your voice.

It was impossible for life to cure sorrow. Whenever he awakened, whenever he ate, whenever he walked down the road, whenever he fell sleep...
Losing him, without his [Naoe] persistent and continuous impetus in his [Takaya] life, he suddenly felt despair in the everyday moments that ought not to change, the view before him turned into a slate of darkness. In the reality of life, there was no place he could escape to.

Even if he cried out in sorrow, the dead would not return.
In the life of a human, this was the supreme truth.
The one existence he absolutely could not lose,
Had in fact been 'lost' from his hands.

But even if 'death' had robbed important individuals from the people, didn't humans still continue to live on? In truth, what sort of strength was this? When born as a human being, was this just something everyone would have to encounter?
This was the inescapable 'death' granted equally to all, was this the strength of the powerless people in the face of 'death'?
Could it be that this was not in fact a strength, but a type of caprice? Feeling increasingly alienated from the people who have left with each passing day. Sorrow - such that even the feeling of loss could be cured with time. ...Despite losing that extremely important person, they could continue to live. They could breathe. They could put it behind them.

Why---...

He had replaced his breathing with weeping. The existence that he could not see, relentlessly stripped away from him. He understood now, the pain that felt like his body had been ripped in half.

Don't leave me alone.

Takaya saw himself practically mangling the sheets by clutching onto them tightly as he wept throughout the entire night. Shouting and crying, he eyes were about to melt away from attrition. Grieving as though he wanted to break open his chest, until what ought to be wails unknowingly changed into guffaws, he appeared to have finally gone mad. But his tears had not dried up. Causing one to suspect if the blood supporting his body had turned into tears, he wept unceasingly...
Then he could no longer make a sound. His brain and viscera had completely withered away, changing into a cavity.

Being together with Naoe was his 'life force', it was his 'life'. It must never become a mere memory. He did not want to acknowledge that it was now a thing of the past, yet he was incapable of regret.
As long as he lived on, perhaps there might come a day when Naoe's love would fade away - in this uncertain future, for it to disappear unexpectedly in this circumstance, they had never hoped for this to happen.
He was obviously screaming in madness that he could not lose this...!


--I will stay by your side...

Look. A promise had so easily turned into a lie.

--I love you...

You too never considered this, did you think that with these words your pledge would never be extinguished?

--I won't leave you alone.

Now, I have been left alone.

You won't touch me again...

I can't hear your voice.
You won't return.
It will never be peaceful.

I have no way of obtaining happiness.

The quality of an object that has been lost increases with each passing day.
Before he can endure it, he would first hunger and thirst for it, then die. He would die of the cold. He would die of loneliness.

Come back.
I beg you to let him return to my side.

God...


If the road leading to Hell opens...
If the way to retrieve him opens...


"..."

His body felt heavy, like a block of lead.
Opening his eyes slightly, the handcuffs that had bound his wrists had been undone. He did not know when he had been released, Takaya's limbs were huddled together as he lied on the bed.
The bath robes he had been wearing was missing. He did not know when he had become entirely naked. Once he recollected his senses, he realized that the inner side of his thighs were slightly moist. His whole body felt lethargic, as though he was soaked in some muddy broth.

His consciousness was hazy. Did he fall asleep? What did he do? He could not remember very well. How long had passed since then? The room was in darkness. Thinking in this way, it seemed like a bitter medicine had been poured into his mouth just now. It had been given mouth-to-mouth and he had been forced to drink it. His body felt incredibly languid, did it have something to do with the drug?

He was crying.
His pillow and face were moist with tears. His chest felt like it was about to burst from sorrow. The reason he felt tired, in this dazed state, was because this tight entanglement of sadness in his chest had caused him to weep continuously.

Naoe... isn't here...

Tears began to well up again. Takaya could not hold them back, he curled his body and pressed his hand against his mouth. It was no good, if he continued in this manner he would start wailing again.

"Ah..."

His cries of grief were practically stabbing at his throat, wanting to break out. Takaya widened his eyes. He did not know what was the best thing to do... he could not stop.

"What's the matter?"

Shaking the darkness, a voice resonated.
Right beside him.
A calm, tender voice.
Startled, Takaya looked up.
A man was sitting at the side of the bed, looking over Takaya.

"Are you crying...?"

It was Kaizaki.
The dull moonlight flooding through the spaces between the window curtains illuminated the side of his face. He was not wearing a shirt, rather he was covered with bath robes. Takaya looked at Kaizaki as though he was pleading for help.

"Naoe..." As though he was pouring out his thoughts to a father. "...Naoe... ...isn't here..."

"..." Kaizaki squinted in anguish, he calmly stretched out his right hand and gently caressed Takaya's cheek, Takaya was trembling incessantly. "What's the matter...?"

"Can't find... Naoe... any... where..."

"What is it? Your voice is shaking..."

Takaya's eyes were quivering, as though he was about to cry. "Wh...y..."

"He did not die." Kaizaki mumbled softly with a controlled voice. Takaya's eyes were full of tears, he looked at Kaizaki with a doubtful expression.

"You're... lying..."

"It's all right. He is here..."

"You're... lying..., I... don't see... him..."

"That is correct. But he definitely did not disappear."

Takaya was dumbfounded. Kaizaki wanted to calm him down, he lowered his voice and said carefully.

"Close your eyes---"

Takaya closed his eyes as accordingly. Then Kaizaki softly grabbed hold Takaya's hand and pressed it against his cheek.

"I am here." He uttered, as though he was wrapping him up in a soft blanket. "Do not trust what you see with your eyes. Use your feelings. ...Do you understand?"

"Naoe... is here..."

"Yes."

Takaya opened his lips slightly.
Kaizaki placed Takaya's hand on the bed, his own hand covering Takaya's, and softly kissed his lips. Then his other hand lightly combed through Takaya's black hair. Takaya felt both warmth and tenderness, he cast all of his senses at the touch of Kaizaki's fingers.
Waves surged up, flooding in him. Takaya thought in his muddled state. How nice if this was real. However due to the extreme manner of his escape, he had experienced too many delusions, to the point where he could not clearly discern what was real. This was probably not real as well, thus it would be best not to have too much hope.

As long as I don't have any expectations...

He would definitely not be forsaken...

In this quiet room late at night.
Kaizaki caressed Takaya's hair without showing any signs of weariness.
Takaya closed his eyes, he opened his lips slightly, calmly allowing himself to be carefree like he was drunk. How long had it been since the last time Takaya revealed such a relieved expression?

"You... look like you are about to die..." Kaizaki said in distress. "You have lost too much, you... almost seem like you are about to die..."

He did not know if Takaya had heard him. He merely looked like a lonely wild cat moaning, tasting the fingers of the other who was touching him affectionately.

"Don't die..."

"..." Takaya revealed a trifling smile like a young child. "I won't die..."

"I need you..." Kaizaki whispered lowly. "Even if I have to suffer defeat, even if I am crushed, you are still my only life force..."

"...If that's the case then don't leave me again..." Closing his eyes, Takaya smiled as he muttered. "I don't... want to be alone anymore..."

Kaizaki felt a burst of pain, he squinted. There was no trace of hope in Takaya's words. His barren body and mind had been exhausted to the extent that it was incapable of restoration. Takaya no longer expected anything. He wanted to sever his bonds with everything.

Who was the one who had allowed him to suffer this irreparable injury?

Isn't this because of you...

At that time, if he had not lost his 'powers' the situation would not have developed into this. If Naoe had not wasted his energy due to his jealousy and competitive heart, it would not have generated this sort of predicament.
If he had been as what Takaya pursued, if he had staunchly and deeply love him with a pure love - not a selfish love, but cherish him with a pure love, Takaya would not have been forced into this condition.
That way of loving, would only make the other feel lonely.
He was obviously aware of it, yet he could not do it. Naoe still tightly held onto his self-regard, attached to the superiority and inferiority between the person he loved and himself, afraid of his [Takaya] words, his integrity and his depth - because of the exposure of his [Takaya] deep pain, his [Naoe] own frivolity was discredited.

Wasn't all of this incurred by his own depravity?

He just wanted to tenderly hold him, tenderly love him, yet...

Takaya's extremely exhausted body lied on the bed, his eyes were closed like a wounded beast.
Kaizaki had used a drug to make Takaya sleep in order to conduct an examination of his consciousness. After that, Kaizaki finally understood. Takaya's perception was definitely not in complete disarray. He had allowed a mistake in recognition to escape reality, however in the deepest levels of Takaya's consciousness, Naoe's 'death' had not been completely expunged yet. He merely considered it as something that must not be seen, and had locked it up.
Takaya knew it.


He existed by his side, yet he still lost his love.

--But as long as there is a future, he may be able to retrieve his love one day.

Love still existed, yet he still lost him.

--Even though there was no future, he would no longer feel tormented over losing his love.


Which was more pleasant, which was more painful. This was... no longer the question...
Right now, Takaya was in the middle of the 'Hell of Forfeit'.


It it could be lost, then it would have been better not to have anything important from the start. Why did he create this significant individual that he could not lose...?

Takaya closed his eyes, another drop of tear streamed out. As though he wanted to absorb it, Kaizaki calmly kissed Takaya's cheek. Kaizaki thought. - No, that was not Kaizaki.

Takaya had never desired Naoe's flesh as much as he did now. Even if pain were to follow in his wake, perhaps this was necessary to Takaya at this moment. He needed to be desired, be simply desired unendingly. In order to cure his despair.

Right now, countless marks lingered on Takaya's skin. On his neck, shoulders, waist and chest. The heat from his skin was directly transmitted out. Takaya tightly clutched the black hair of the man, whose face was buried between his naked thighs, whimpering. Between the two moments of his released, he again and again expressed all the pain on his mind as he painfully gasped for breath. In the instant of his final liberation, for the first time, his coarse heated voice called out that man's name. ...Naoe.

This was the first time he saw this sort of expression in Takaya.
Kaizaki could continue with his actions if he wanted to. As a matter of fact, because the synchronization of the two person's spiritual waveforms was so well harmonized, there would not be any hindrance to his sensory perceptions, he could continue further. If possible, he really wanted Takaya. Embrace him with mad intensity, use his entire body to convey his anxiety and unremitting yearning directly to him. He felt that if he did this, he would be able to communicate everything to the other, he would be able to restore their original relationship. He wanted to forget everything, and embrace him even if it destroyed this body.

But the reason he restrained the impulse that rushed forth continuously was because he could not allow it. ...This body did not contain his own soul. He could not permit the body of another to combine with the person he loved the most.

"I love you..."

Near Takaya's ear, the man did his utmost to pour all of his emotions into his murmurs. Takaya's face was serene, but he did not know if he heard him...
Perhaps, in Takaya's ears, he was hearing Naoe's voice...?

"I am by your side..."

Even if only for tonight, I will stay beside you throughout the entire night.

Kaizaki whispered. He knew that he could only do this until early morning. But at the very least, with what was allowed within this time frame...

Takaya called out Naoe's name in a dream-like manner. Kaizaki kissed his cheeks and eyelids over and over again, then calmly brushed against Takaya's lips in a gentle manner. He did not know how Takaya would react the next morning after the effect of the drug had worn off. The only moment in which he had no suffering, was perhaps now.
There was no other place Takaya could escape to.

If Kotarou and the others come looking for Takaya, he would have to return to that artificial reality once again. Even though he would be with 'Naoe', who had lost his attachment to Takaya, did he still want to return? And thereafter suffer because of this? Believing that he had lost love...

The abode of peace no longer existed in any place.
After this, what awaited Takaya was the battle with his own self. Besides opposing his being in order to shatter this false reality, and acknowledge what happened at Hagi, did Takaya have no other way out?

If he appeared before Takaya, would the entangled threads be then undone?
But...

I still can't do it...

Even though he had an intense desire to immediately save him. However, with such an exhausted body and mind, would Takaya be able to bear this complication?
Even just for now, he wanted Takaya to sleep peacefully. Even though he could not continue, at the very least he gave him the tenderness that was within the scope of what he could do. Allow Takaya to accept it.

Just a prayer...
When tomorrow comes, reality would approach.
With all that was within his power, please do not let him suffer...

"I will head to your side..."

Takaya was serenely reclined, Kaizaki uttered into his ear with a sworn sincerity.

"Wait for me---..."

The quiet night was like an approaching wave, it covered everything and left.

---

Original fiction © Kuwabara Mizuna.