Book 08 Chapter 19 最後の真実 partial translation

From chinese translations done by Hinako.

Draft: Version 1 - final
Notes: last 3/4 of the chapter; 大日如来 Dainichi Nyorai (Mahavairocana Tathagata / perfected one - suffix of high-ranking Buddhist deities); 九頭龍/九头龙 Kuzuryuu - the primary deity of Hakone Shrine (箱根神社); 大叔父 dai oji (granduncle); 参道 sandou (road approaching a shrine)
PS: do not distribute this without my permission

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Naoe looked at Takaya, whom he cherished dearly. His appearance remained the same. Naoe became anxious, growing stiff and began to call him.

"Takaya-san..."

He tapped Takaya's cheeks.

"Takaya-san...? Takaya-san!"

His cheeks were cold and there was no answer. Naoe desperately shook Takaya's body, patting his cheeks.

"Takaya-san! Please wake up! Takaya-san! Takaya-san!"

The physical body was already dead. In truth it was impossible for the body to recover. Relying on the power of the gods only served to provide a sense of security. It was not possible in the first place. Even if the soul had been successfully released from the Tsutsuga mirror, the probability of him reawakening was close to zero.

Even though Naoe was aware of this, he still called to Takaya. The body seemed dead. Naoe called Takaya's name unceasingly, as if wanting to intensely summon Takaya forth from the netherworld.

Even so, Takaya's eyes were still firmly closed, with no signs of opening. There wasn't even the slightest movement. The colour of his skin was devoid of any signs of blood flow.

Isn't this to be expected? This person wasn't going to come back to life, was he? Wasn't it already too late? There was nothing left to do but give up...

"Open your eyes! Breathe!"

Naoe looked as if he was about to throw up blood from the way he called Takaya with a mad longing.

"Please come back!"

Gripping his wrist with all his strength.

"Takaya-san!"

Takaya's eyebrow quivered slightly. Naoe started, his eyes widened, turning bloodshot.

Slowly opening his mouth, lips trembling, the momentary sound of inhalation could be heard. Then, the intake of oxygen, gasping for air.

"Ta..ka..ya..."

His beloved Takaya was finally breathing. His brow creased as if in pain; the colour returning to his skin, his eyelids quivering lightly as his eyes slowly opened at last.

His clouded vision slowly dissipated into a clear image. He never lost this radiance, his eyes, filled with life, gazing at Naoe's face.

"... . Na..oe..."

"..."

No precious gem could compare with the clear, transparent beauty of these Tiger's Eyes that were currently gazing into his own. These rays of brilliance that penetrated his chest was enough to make a sinner weep.

"..."

Exposing inconceivable emotions, Takaya slowly raised his hand, wanting to wipe away the tears on Naoe's face, extending his fingers. Just at that moment, he was suddenly aware of a strange object in his mouth. Using his tongue to manipulate it out, he held the object in his hand. It was a small prayer bead. Situated within was a radiance emitting from the minute, pearl figurine of Dainichi Nyorai. The protection bestowed by the nyorai must have preserved his body, allowing it to recover from its lifeless state.

"Naoe..."

Although Takaya called him, Naoe did not answer. Tears continued to fall from his eyes, and as such, Takaya could not move from his recumbent position. Regardless of whether Takaya understood the life-or-death choices that Naoe had gone through, or if he merely wore an indifferent appearance, he still had an ignorant expression on his face.

At this moment, Naoe could not call his name.
Holding on to Takaya's moist and slippery body, Naoe tightly embraced him. Even though Takaya's body was ice-cold and wet, Naoe could sense some warmth, able to hear the rhythm of his heartbeat.
Then slowly, Naoe began to let go of Takaya's body, allowing him to lie on the surface. Takaya looked unwaveringly at Naoe who was silently covering his body with his clothes. He spoke softly.

"It is as I believed..."

"..."

"That when I awakened, you would definitely be by my side..."

As if wanting to stop him from saying anything else, the man's moist hand came to rest on Takaya's lips. He pressed his face near Takaya's neck. Wrinkling his brow and shutting his eyes, the man grabbed Takaya's hand and placed it on his face in a caress. His lips touching his throat, the strangled cry of a wild animal escaping his voice.

Naoe, Takaya quietly uttered. Mumbling repeatedly to him.
"... thank you."

The man only wept, wanting to draw all the words he was incompetent of expressing into his breath, pressing his cold lips against the mouth of the other. Receiving this kiss that was wrought of agony, tears began to stream down Takaya's face like melted blood.

The surface of the lake was sorrowfully quiet as a blue mist enveloping the area passed by unnoticed...

* * *

The dense fog that covered Lake Ashi scattered within the hour. Like a mirror, the surface of the lake reflected the clear and boundless, blue sky and the beautiful hills. The sunshine was intense. Their wet bodies would soon be dry.

Takaya had given instructions to guide their small boat from the centre of the lake to the docks near the Kuzuryuu shrine. While operating the boat under Takaya's directives, Naoe realized that all the injuries he had sustained were already healed without him knowing. He should have taken a considerable amount of damage, even believing that he would no longer be able to move from the wounds. He could not fathom how he seemed to be fully recovered now.
(How can this happen...)
Naoe found it strange, with Takaya beside him who was looking ahead in askance, he mentioned all of a sudden.
"I heard that the tears of the dragon that resides in Lake Ashi were regarded as holy water, with the ability to cure disease and grief."

"..."

"The mixture of the dragon's tears with the Lake Ashi, have made these waters sacred. I heard this from Grand Uncle."

Naoe forgot his rhetorics as soon as he looked at Takaya's profile. The eyes of a fierce tiger, still staring ahead.
All of a sudden Takaya seemed to break out of this countenance, turning towards Naoe.
"I just recently..."

"..."

Naoe looked at Takaya with harsh eyes. What exactly did Naoe want from this Takaya who sometimes unconsciously reverted back to his Kagetora self. Takaya had no way of reading all of his thoughts.
Takaya had experienced this extreme calm of Naoe's gaze a few times before, always feeling an uneasiness within his chest.

The two of them did not say another word.

The motorboat was nearing the wooden dock of Hakone.
On the boundary of the Kuzuryuu shrine laid the remains of a man.
It seems as if nobody knew of the incidents that had taken place in this area.
They left the motorboat and headed towards the Kuzuryuu shrine.

Takaya quietly turned over the body of the man whose blood had stained the stone steps.

"..."

Takaya did not show any signs of panic or guilt at sight of the remains of the body. He only had a serious expression very much like the face of a policeman conducting an investigation.
After that, he abruptly headed to the sandou which lead towards the lakeside, coming to the water's edge.

"Did you come to save Kagetora?"

Naoe's eyebrow quivered at the question.
Takaya continued to gaze at the waves on the surface of the lake, repeating his question.
"You came to save Kagetora, right?"

Naoe did not answer. Takaya could not tolerate the uncommunicative silence.
"You came here to save Kagetora, right? Not to save Ougi Takaya, isn't that correct!

Naoe still maintained his composure.
"I came to save you."

"Not me but Kagetora."

"It's you."

"You mean Kagetora!"

Takaya, who was now facing Naoe, was earnest, furthermore he was blatantly expressing his indignation from the very bottom of his heart. Seeing Naoe again, Takaya felt a small sense of relief in his heart, absent since that day in Toyama when he left him - no, this estrangement from Naoe had originated from a much earlier period of time.
"You're not protecting me because of Ougi Takaya. You don't know anything about me..."

"..."

"I don't want that sort of transparent tenderness."

Naoe felt like a chasm of hurt was suddenly lodged in his chest. A resolute man, he pretended to be calm as he listened to Takaya's words. The man closed his eyes and repeated himself to Takaya.
"It's you..."

Takaya shut his eyes and quietly shook his head continuously.
"Not Takaya."

"It's you."

"You're always like that! Don't shove all the pain you bear for Kagetora onto me anymore!"

An austere glint appeared in Naoe's eyes. It was clearly a sign of anger.
"Are you planning to run away from my side again?"

"I'm not the one running away. You only consider me as a substitute, don't you? You're thinking that as long as it's Ougi Takaya, you can impose on him things that Kagetora himself would not accept."

"..."

"You're really despicable! Such a cunning and astute person. You only consider this Ougi Takaya with no past to be a passing convenience. Meeting me and pretending to treat Ougi Takaya with such high importance. The truth is you never once took into consideration any of Ougi Takaya's affairs..."

After shouting, Takaya tried to suppress his frenzied feelings, shutting his eyes for a while. A breeze blew from the surface of the lake, ruffling Takaya's hair. The waters swept up the shore in waves reaching Naoe's feet. Then, Takaya raised his face, and calmly looked at Naoe.

"Did you... like... Kagetora?"

There was the cold silence once again.
But Naoe's expression never changed. The man only returned Takaya's stare with an icy introspection. Takaya tolerated his glare, without averting his eyes.

"You should know."

"..."

"How I can't stop thinking about you. How you continue to threaten me, how I hate and envy you. You already know of all my feelings for you, before I violated Minako."

Takaya gulped. Hearing the name Minako inspired fear within him. That was the name he had called out countless of times in his dreams. But Takaya had yet to understand what it meant.

"Who is Minako?"

"..."

"Your past.. what exactly..."

"You know everything, don't you? Things have turned out this way because of you. It doesn't matter if I raped Minako, snatched her from your side or anything else, all of this is a cunning trap that you arranged."

Even though Takaya regarded Naoe's extreme words with terror, he still drummed up the courage to drive away his fear.
"Just what exactly do you want Takaya to do for you? Even if Kagetora is really as you described, Takaya can't do anything about it."

"It's not that you can't do anything."

Naoe stared sharply at Takaya.

"I won't let you say that you can't do anything about it. No matter who you are, my heart won't change. Whether it is Uesugi Kagetora or Ougi Takaya or any other body... The existence of your soul dominates my everything. Threatening me, injuring me. You should be well-aware of your grave sins; to stop looking for an escape route would be the right thing to do."

"You... I just don't understand... Why would Kagetora continuously threaten you? You are not his enemy. Shouldn't he be your closest comrade compared to anyone else? Aren't you his faithful vassal? Aren't you his outstanding subordinate?"

"I am a faithful vassal. A retainer who obeys you. But before all of that..."

"..."

"I am a man -- a human being."

Takaya stiffened slightly. Naoe continued with his cold, penetrating words.

"Because I am a man, I can't endure being restrained and controlled by you. Wanting myself to be more outstanding than this person; hoping to conquer him one day, obtaining victory; I can't help but think in this manner. I am a man who can't abandon this sort of ignorance, this wild hope."

"..."

"Although I'm your best comrade, at the same time I'm your most severe critic. The perfect being that you are, the person who embodies the ideals of others... The full extent of my flaws are always exposed before you. Your existence threatens me. But even so, I still yearn for that one day where I will be victorious."

"Naoe..."

"I... like you."
Naoe had no expression on his face, uttering the words without the slightest hint of feeling.
"I love you."

"So..."
Takaya did not know to reply Naoe's mechanical words.
"So what exactly do you expect me to do?"

"You don't have to do anything."

"Saying these words..."
Takaya could not understand why Naoe used such a perfunctory expression to declare his love. All the words that left Naoe's lips, besides sounding feigned, were devoid of any other feelings. Was he sincere? Or was there some concealed meaning? Takaya could not grasp the truth behind all of this.
"What do you take me for?"

Shaken by Naoe's words and deeds, Takaya began to feel miserable. Due to his excessive resentment, tears began to well up in Takaya's eyes.

"You think that I can't do anything..."

"..."

"Right from the very beginning, you believed that I could never cure you of your suffering. Believed that I can't do anything for you...!"

"Then..."

Naoe quietly spoke.
"Can you let me hold you?"

"...!"

"Can you accept me like a woman?"

"You-- "

"All you can do, is be a prop for the temporary relief of my pain. Will you strip naked and let me press down on you, accept me and sway your body in pleasure?"

Takaya shuddered, his eyes widening as he stared, feeling something cold trickle down his back, his body stiffened tightly.
"You... want me to...."

"..."

Naoe gazed at Takaya's pale face without any expression.
"You obviously can't do it..."
Naoe said, closing his eyes.

"You can't even be a prop to let me forget my pain. Saying things like wanting to save me... Please stop with this sort of casual, irresponsible talk. Your unceasing arrogance and sense of superiority are your shortcomings."

"It's not that..."

"I don't expect anything from you. It's not possible for you to give up your life for my sake. Saying things like sacrificing yourself for me, worrying about my work and devotion... At the end of the day, you still feel yourself to be self-important."

Takaya shook his head continuously. He could not find the words to reply, he could only resist through persisting with his silent denial.

"It's no use denying. If that is the case, can you... do it?"

"..."

"You obviously can't..."

Takaya could only tremble unceasingly. Wanting to say something against these irrefutable words that pierced through him. Wanting to retaliate against the cold words uttered by the man that spoke of having no expectations of him.
But no matter what he wanted to say, it would not reach this man. More than half of all the faults he pointed out were facts. To offer his body to another man with such frightening issues, this was not a possible transaction. Even if the other was someone he placed great trust in, no, it was because he trusted him that Takaya could not do this. He was only afraid. Takaya was afraid of the other unexpectedly looking at him with lust if he were to put his absolute trust in him.

But Naoe understood Takaya's feelings completely. He knew from the start that Takaya would reject this. It was extremely painful to hear him say that he absolutely could not do anything. He had wanted to protect himself from the pain. Takaya could not do anything. He felt disappointed for saying those words, as the other looked at him without expression and without hope, hindering reconciliation in this way. He only felt inexhaustible anger, remorse...
"Why are you crying?"

Naoe asked softly. Naoe's question made Takaya realize that tears were streaming down his face.
"Are you pitying me?"

"...no..."

"Then are you feeling pity for yourself?"

Takaya's body quivered as he nervously bit his lower lip. He looked as if he wanted to bore a hole through the other's line of sight, looking disparagingly at Naoe, suppressing the sound of his mumblings.

"The person you want to embrace, is not me."

"Takaya-san..."

"You want to hold Kagetora!"
Takaya shouted, spitting out the words, and headed towards the dock.
He did not look back.
Naoe quietly observed his back.
Takaya, frigid from the cold climate, wrapped his arms around his shoulders, and left.
He did not look back again.

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Original fiction © Kuwabara Mizuna.