Book 20 Chapter 06 聖痕

From Chinese translations by 佚.

Draft: Version 2 - final
Notes: thanks to kat_tyan for input
PS: do not distribute without my permission

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He was desperate.
His body moved before his mind started to think.
Even though Takaya was weak, he was still conscious. Fortunately he was discovered early.

He immediately carried him to the washroom and poured water into his mouth, forcing him to regurgitate the pills. But seeing that Takaya no longer had any strength, Naoe inserted his fingers into his mouth a few times to induce a vomiting reflex, also squeezing the center of his chest inwards, eventually causing Takaya to throw up a few times.

"Use your strength... it's okay, vomit out everything."

Rubbing his back, he saw tears flowing out from the corners of Takaya's eyes. Vomiting had consumed a lot of his energy. Gasping painfully as he threw up until he felt his stomach empty. Luckily, he did not swallow a lethal dose of pills. He once again used the prepared medical kit to clean his stomach and finally everything was all right.

The past hour had been a storm.

While listening to the intermittent flow of water from the tap, Naoe held onto Takaya, leaning against the sink as he sat. His hair and clothes were soaked, together with the stain from having vomited, his appearance was heart-breaking.

Takaya, his muscles utterly spent, rested against Naoe's chest. His hair, dripping with water, clung to his forehead, his pale cheeks had turned emaciated. Once his illusory state had passed, it was substituted with shock.

There were no other tablets in the medicine kit in the kitchen besides the sleeping pills Ayukawa had brought. With this crisis he realized that the medicine kit should not have been placed in such an accessible location. He had been too careless. The thought that such a thing could have happened had not crossed his mind.

Takaya's lips were moving slightly, attempting to say something. Naoe pressed his ears close by to listen.

He said: Kill me...

He could not endure it any longer.

Hugging Takaya, he could see from the outline of his body that his shoulders and back were frighteningly slender. He was so thin that he looked as if he would disappear if he let him go. He had never seen such a destitute Kagetora in these 400 years. No matter how much suffering he had to contend with, he had never once tried to take his own life.

Kagetora would never be tangled with thoughts of suicide. Even if he considered suicide to be a better option, he would still eke out every ounce of his strength, open his eyes widely, reject the temptation of death and charge forward; continuously encouraging, consoling, reproaching his comrades. Naoe was a given, Irobe, Haruie even Nagahide, all of their lives had been supported in this way. If not for him, the rest of them would have already given up this seemingly endless life.

Did he feel that, by supporting other people, his own suffering could be alleviated?
--The ideal way of existence.

What exactly was Takaya feeling when he uttered those words?

Kagetora should be well aware that pursuing this so-called 'ideal' was akin to chasing an ever-elusive rainbow. Every single time he mentioned this, it came out like a binding curse. However, with respect to Naoe's former self, these bonds were necessary.

During that time, your words saved me...

"But..."

He embraced him tightly.

What on earth was he doing? That the most important person to him would unexpectedly choose to end his life. Previously, whenever he saw parents whose children had committed suicide, crying and screaming profusely at funerals, he had secretly laughed to himself, believing in his heart that he would never do such of thing. He would never allow the person he loved to commit suicide. In the end was he only laughing at himself? What significance was there to his existence? No, it was worse than meaningless, he was the one who drove Takaya to this.

What did he do?

After all, what was this man doing here?

Closing his eyes, tears began to flow.
Was he just a spectator? What could he do?
"It's... enough, Takaya-san."

Don't suffer anymore. Let's just close our eyes like this.
Could he only say this sort of words? Was his own strength completely useless?
Kagetora had lost his will and meaning in his existence.
As long as he lived, he would cause harm, kill many innocent people, becoming a living pest.
He must have decided to kill himself as he contemplated these thoughts.

"Am I not good enough..."
Naoe groaned.

"Is there no way I can bind you to life?"

The shackles of the 'ideal way of existence' by which Naoe was saved, had no way of binding Kagetora to this world. He only looked up to the sky, and not at Naoe. He could not see Naoe before him, he only hoped to the heavens -- for death.
If this was really the case, he [Naoe] could only do one thing.
Naoe embraced Takaya with all of his strength.
So that he could not go any place else.
So that he could not fly to Heaven--
Right now, the only things that were binding him were these two arms.

*

The moonlight dyed the mist with a touch of green.
When Takaya awakened on his bed, it was already midnight.
Naoe had sat by his pillow all this while, caring for Takaya as he slept soundly.
The lights in the room were not switched on.
Naoe looked at Takaya quietly, with anguished eyes.
He was exhausted.
Were there traces of tears on his cheeks?
Takaya looked up at Naoe's appearance in apprehension.
"Naoe..."

Once he called him, Naoe's eyes slowly drooped down. The tears had never stopped flowing, in order to hide them he lowered his head, a smile appearing on his lips.

Drops of tears still slid down his cheeks.

At this moment, perhaps Takaya understood the reason for Naoe's tears. He gently extended his weak fingers as though he wanted to wipe away the tears on his cheeks.

"It's enough.... Naoe."

He spoke in a hoarse voice.

Naoe used his right hand to cover his mouth, attempting to hold back his tears as he lowered his head. His shoulders shook slightly. The more he tried to restrain himself, the more sobs sprung up.

Takaya held his cheeks with his palm.

"You've already... surpassed me..."

"..."

"It's... enough."

Naoe shook his head incessantly. To negate his disagreement, Takaya shook his head as well.
Saying that the result of the battle was already known.
However Naoe did not acknowledge it. With his head still lowered, he gritted his teeth, and stubbornly continued to shake his head.

"...Why...was..."

Why was he so powerless?

The person dearest to him was obviously in misery, and yet he had no way of removing the pain. He could only watch. He knew he was suffering, he knew he was tormented to the point where he had to end his life to be liberated.

"Tell me, what exactly have I won?"

He could only agonize over his useless self. Upset that he did not have a single merit. That he had no means of alleviating all the pain afflicting his beloved, just what exactly could he boast about?

"...Why... am I so powerless..."
Naoe spluttered in a cracked voice, as though he was coughing out blood.

"I did not win..."

Restraining his sobs, he repeated his words.

"I never won where I was supposed to have excelled."

"..."

Takaya looked at him silently and calmly used his fingers to stroke Naoe's hair affectionately.
Naoe slowly opened his eyes.
The expression in Takaya's eyes was comforting, as though he wanted to console a crying boy.

"Don't cry..."

"..."

"Don't cry..."

Naoe gazed directly at Takaya. Even when reduced to such a fragile condition, he still comforted others.
His chest -- he felt a tightness in his chest.

Takaya's hand was caressing his cheek and Naoe placed his left hand over it. Takaya's fingers were slender and the joints were clearly apparent; his fingers were as cold as snow.

At this moment, Takaya saw the scar on his left wrist.
A perfectly straight, horizontal line.
A deeply engraved scar.

Three years ago, when he had been reunited with Naoe, the scar was already there. Although Naoe always covered it with his watch, Takaya had vaguely sensed that it was no ordinary injury.
Naoe never mentioned the origin of that mark, but Ayako had secretly told Takaya.
The meaning of that scar.

"Good..."

Takaya mumbled repeatedly.
"It didn't disappear..."

A scar that he loved so much.

The entire 28 years of Naoe's life, unknown to Takaya, was concentrated within this very spot.
It was a profoundly severe burden. During the years of his life when he had no idea if Kagetora was alive or dead, the scar appeared after Naoe had cut himself out of misery. For Takaya, this 'proof' was more powerful than anything else.

Takaya drew Naoe's wrist near, then silently kissed the scar.
Naoe was stunned. In the moment that his lips brushed against the mark, he felt like the Buddha had touched him. Confounded, he closed his eyes.

The scar on his left wrist-

"A stigma..."

The depth of Naoe's suffering, just that, is what saves Takaya.

Takaya affectionately kissed the scar once again.
Tears began to fall.
"This belongs to me..."

The clear moonlight illuminated the sides of their faces.

This body known as Tachibana Yoshiaki was, without a doubt, highly precious due to the countless marks engraved upon its surface, that represented proof.

The desperation of losing Kagetora was slashed on his left wrist and his protection of the once amnesia-ridden Kagetora was marked on his back. Naoe's desire for Kagetora had all transformed into 'history', carved onto this torso.

I loved it...

Takaya's tears fell. Even though he knew his body would perish in the end, even though this was just a temporary residence, this body was exceedingly important. Takaya was far more unwilling to lose this body than Naoe was.

"It's mine."

Takaya softly proclaimed.

"These scars as well... all of them are mine."

Naoe closed his eyes, and wept.

For a time, he [Takaya] thought he had truly lost him. He thought he could never return.
He had resolved to give him up.
He had not been discarded by Naoe, but freed him. He wanted to convince himself with these sort of words.

I've always lived by exploiting your heart...

And still. Even now. Even more. Did he still hope to be loved when others were hurt in return? After all, here he was still deeply satisfied by Naoe's suffering.

If he could not love himself, it would be acceptable to live without love. If he could not live without love, then it would be acceptable to die. A person could only choose between life or death. That was the way of existence.

"An illusion..."

Takaya mentioned quietly.
"Maybe... this is just my imagination..."

"Takaya-san."

"I... have no way of trusting myself..."

He had no confidence in believing that he was really alive in this place and no longer locked in his delusions.

"..."

"Prove it to me."

You know how to do this.

Naoe used his left arm that Takaya had kissed to stroke away the strands of hair on his forehead, and cupped his cheek. He calmly moved himself over Takaya's body.

Takaya was enveloped in Naoe's shadow, he focused his gaze on Naoe.

"I am yours..."

Using a deep and low voice from the center of his chest, Naoe told him.

"Even if you said you do not want this, I will still live for you..."

"Naoe..."

"All that I have, all of it belongs to you. My body, status, reputation, knowledge or history, everything is yours. They are your possessions. Including my joy and grief."

Naoe wanted to announce all of his feelings that had accumulated like a crushing weight. --None of this is an illusion.

"You can extort whatever you want from me."

Takaya widened his eyes.
Then he shook his head in fear.

"I can't do this..."

"..."

"I... can't exploit you like this anymore."

"Do you know what brings the most joy to a person living in this world?"

"..."

"The fulfillment of his life's purpose."

Naoe uttered quietly.

"What I seek, is not liberty, nor is it to be liberated. And it most definitely isn't the happiness of triumphing over you."

Perhaps all of these thoughts had been entertained at some point in the past.
But they turned out to be like snowflakes that could melt away at any time.

"As long as I can become a part of you, I'll be satisfied."

Becoming one in spirit with his beloved.

In this world, a person could only consider himself truly saved if he lived for a real purpose. In accordance with these words, for himself, he was only content when being plundered.

"I live so that I can be ravaged by you."

Indeed. Once, he had pursued freedom; once, he had been waiting to be released; all of these were true. But for this soul, even if it was liberated, it would not be saved. What he wanted was to be strongly tied down. To be tightly bound by whom he views to be the most beautiful person, to be dominated, only in this way could he see paradise.

Maintaining a distance in order to be safe, constructing a happiness within his mind, or leading a smooth life, none of these can pacify this soul's desire. His soul was untamed. An untamed lust would certainly not employ reason to fulfill a need.

Using his warm palm to move Takaya's cold cheeks, Naoe chewed back the countless words that sprung up in his heart.

This man who resisted Amadeus, was in actuality, more than anyone else - including those worshipers, the one who demanded to be dominated.
Although it seemed contradictory, he could now positively feel that this was his sincere wish.

"I finally understand."

The shape of life he wanted for himself--. At last, in the noisy confusion of this world, he could hear his heart's true voice.

He had taken a detour. Perhaps he had made a lot of mistakes, perhaps he had lost a lot of things, to finally find the very location of the treasure.

"Naoe..."

"You don't have to change in any way. Just continue with the way you have always lived, because this is my true desire. My words -- my spirit, you can continue to take advantage of them."

It did not matter if he was emptied, it would be best if not one drop was left. If only he could become a portion of his blood. He wanted to be part of his skeleton. Unwilling to leave him. Even if he had to suffer. If his suffering could be proof, then he no longer needed happiness.

As long as I can be a part of your flesh and blood, then I can be saved.

"..."

"Call my name."

Takaya exhaled, keenly watching the tears falling from Naoe's eyes. Naoe slowly brought his face close to the curvature of Takaya's neck.

"Ougi Takaya..."

"..."

"Please call me."

Changing all suffering into an eternal, sacred mark...

"Call my name."


He could feel Naoe's hair nestled in his neck, Takaya closed his eyes. His heart began to pound more strongly, feeling his temperature gradually rising.
This time, it will be different. Takaya could hear the man's overflowing passion, saying so in his heart, and he started to tremble slightly.

"I'm scared..."

Naoe heard him but did not pay any attention and continued with his actions, Takaya's entire body went stiff as he closed his eyes.
The man's hand undid the buttons on his shirt, his fingers combed the upper part of his body in a caress.

"It's a lie..."

Takaya stared up into the air, muttering.

"If we continue with this... sooner or later you will leave me..."

"I won't leave."

"You will throw me away..."

"I won't."

"I can't trust this... a person can't possibly be bound to this sort of thing..."

"You did not bind me. I cannot live without being bound."

Takaya shook his head like a young boy. His voice was silenced by the hand sliding up the inner side of his thigh.

"For 400 years, this never ceased. For all these years I could not give this up."

"...sooner or later... you'll abandon..."

"I will not abandon you..."

"Once you've achieved what you desire, you'll eventually tire of it."

"You really don't understand the slightest bit of your true appearance."

Naoe said in a firm tone of voice, touching the weakest part of his body. Takaya suddenly lifted his jaw.

"You don't know what your real self is. You're a frightening person, the most terrifying in this world. You say these sort of things because you're not aware of this."

He felt the temperature of his blood suddenly increase as the man's fingers fondled him.

"Do you know to what extent you bound me with your spell?"

"You're... lying..."

Desperately trying to control himself as the sensation of pleasure slowly intensified,

"You only cared because you couldn't acquire it. It's just a desire to conquer..."

"Not to conquer, but to be conquered."

"You will leave... You don't know anything at all..."

"I know."

"I'm a weak person. As long as the other can satisfy my lust, I can take off my clothes at any time."

Seeking his lips, Naoe used a hoarse voice and said.
"I know..."

"..."

Takaya opened his eyes in surprise. Naoe looked at Takaya with a fiery gaze,
"One man ought to have embraced you in this way."

Takaya widened his eyes. The man's fingers traced the outline of his body. He remembered the order of those touches, those caresses...

"Laugh at me if you want..."

Clenching his teeth to endure the humiliation, Takaya squeezed his words out.
"Laugh at this man... who can just sleep with anyone... this lascivious man..."

"No. You did not sleep with just anyone."

He was now panting; brushing aside the hair on his forehead, Naoe's half-open eyes burned as he spoke.

"...You knew that was me."

Takaya felt like he had been pierced, opening his eyes widely.
"...Wha- "

Naoe did not answer, only using his lips to contain his arousal.
"!"

Takaya's back arched upwards, sweat oozing out of his chest. He wanted to open his mouth to reply but could not form any words, it was substituted by a whimper that leaked out. The agile tongue and soft lips repeatedly stimulated him, his head was in disarray, he could not think.

"Wh...at..."

He tried to escape by twisting his waist, however he was being firmly held down by Naoe, unable to budge.

"Ah... Ahhh...!"

He did not even know what moved him so as he was being propelled by a huge force to his limits. Closing his eyes with all his strength, he locked his jaw so as to avoid making any sounds. Naoe's eyes never left Takaya's face.

"....!"

He felt his consciousness momentarily floating away. Proof of his liberation was dispersed on the bed sheet, dropping down as his strength left him, Naoe used his right hand to tenderly support his back. Takaya looked up into the air, desperately trying to suppress his disordered breathing. Within his senses -- he understood completely.

"...this... what happened..."

A frightening... man. Takaya said.

"You mentally synchronized with another person..."

He himself had not once done this kind of thing.

Naoe kissed his lips once again. Tolerating his crazed thirst, Takaya slowly opened his eyes gazing into the eyes of the man in front of him.

Brown eyes like glass. The eyes that had once lost their radiance were now fixed on him. Previously, just before he died, he still had eyes that were overrun with love. Now that he was alive, this boiling heat -- so close to him.

"A terrifying... man."

The more he looked at him, the more he felt like he was going mad. As if he was being drawn in.

"A person like you... I don't..."

... love you.
He did not say out those words.

That was the last time Takaya could articulate his words.

"Don't say anymore..."

He was so adorable that it was driving him crazy. Naoe called his name unceasingly as he kissed him. Because he wanted to feel his everything, he sucked on his fingertips, from his back he held on to the body that was trying to escape, propping up his waist, eagerly biting at the alluring figure. For a long time he had been anxious and fretful, hungering for his body, to merge his entire self with a part of him.

"I want you..."

His mouth continuously pasted kisses on his back, repeating the words feverishly. His beloved Amadeus...

"There's a paradise within your body..."

The aforementioned beauty existed in his body. This love was like a conviction. He did not believe in God or the heavens, nor did he believe in any of humanity's salvation. However, only inside him, could he see the path leading to paradise. He could sacrifice anything for it. Even if the failures and selfishness loaded within him [Naoe] were uncovered, even if he was expelling the gory mixture of his envy, loathe and desire, he still wished to always pursue the form of this back.

Engraving it.

Desiring you every day, cursing you every day, wanting to insult you for causing this struggle every day, mocking the large group of people who fail to measure up with your brilliance every day, feeling miserable and longing for escape every day, wanting to slaughter all the people who coerced you every day, believing that you can hear the voice of God thus grow fearful of you every day, crying out why I cannot be like you every day. Engraving every single one of them.

He became a martyr for Kagetora, for this lonely soul. His [Kagetora] incompetence, his filth, his ugliness, his naiveté, he would grab all of it firmly and not let go, emitting a radiance, causing one to shower tender affection... like the sun...

Only this one person can rescue his soul, right from the start until the very end.

I want to live within your spirit...

It is fine if you just call my name.
There is no need to compete. Only wishing to be one small corner of your spirit, that is enough.
Let me live inside you.
Let me inhabit you.
As long as I can live inside you my suffering will be purified. If only my spiritual sperm can live inside your body..!

If I can stay inside you...!


"Ah... Ahhhh...!!"

As a result of the rousing pain from being thrust by a piece of flesh, Takaya whimpered miserably. His body had originally been permeated by a pleasant sensation when all of a sudden he felt like he had fallen into Hell in an instance. Without any tender caress he felt the pressure of the forceful penetrations. Even though he heard the recurring sound of his moaning, Naoe still did not stop.

"Nnhh... Ahhh...!!"

His physical body was going to split, blood flowed out, his body was being mangled by a severe pain, causing Takaya to scream agonizingly in madness.

"Ahh... Ahhh...!!"

Feeling Takaya's body suddenly constrained itself upwards to the center of his [Naoe] body, Naoe pushed deeper into him. Takaya's whimpering had grown hoarse, he endured, close to losing consciousness. Takaya cried, his back shuddering as he was breathing like a wild beast. An immense feeling of love overwhelmed Naoe. The room was filled with the sound of their intense panting.

It did not matter if this body had no way of giving birth,
as long as my sperm can stay somewhere in your soul,
as long as your soul becomes pregnant with a new spirit...
Even though we're not the people loved by God, we can still be redeemed.
My pain can be purified by the offsprings of your spirit.

Additionally, new life will be born.

After that, our spiritual child will continue to flourish, after duplicating itself, if it can give birth to a new era, create history...

Humanity's existence, is not entirely meaningless...

We... are not completely worthless...
We should be able to say this much, shouldn't we?

If we could leave something behind...

Naoe temporarily stopped at Takaya's body, ceasing to move. Tears ran down from Takaya's eyes, he was clutching the sheets tightly, appearing to be crushing something by clenching his teeth together, desperately trying to endure the pain that was mutilating his body. Blood flowed down his legs, the four limbs of his body were aching, quivering. Naoe quietly planted kisses on his back as though he wanted to cure him.

Even if humans became extinct, civilizations extinguished, if the day came where only the wind blew across the reddish-brown earth...
At the very end of time, even when all the stars have disappeared.
This feeling would still linger on this earth.
This desire would still linger in the void of the darkness.
Definitely...

"I love you..."

Tied by flesh with his beloved.
Feeling the heat of his very existence with his own flesh...
Naoe uttered. --With pain and joy.

This soul...

Ougi Takaya...
I love you...

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Original fiction © Kuwabara Mizuna.