Cobalt-ヨリドラ 2005 Track 2 - part 2

From Chinese translations by Eleven. Book 26.

Draft: Version 1 - final
Notes: 连神佛 (?)
PS: do not distribute this without my permission

Naoe: The day when your soul meets its end is drawing closer everyday. Your existence will be completely erased from this world. There is only one way to avoid this, and that is to abandon your duty. Leave this line of work immediately, rely on what's left of your powers for support and avoid the destruction of your own soul. Possessing a new body would not make any difference. More than that, preserve everything that is Uesugi Kagetora, your consciousness - even if I do not know what the future holds. Even supposing it was against your wishes, I will exorcise you if it means that your soul will be saved in this way.

Takaya: Would you... be able to bear everything by yourself? Such critical issues, have you been handling all this by yourself until now?

Naoe: In this way, you would have more time to make a decision. You have to make a choice.

Takaya: ...

Naoe: The reason I kept silent all this while was because I was afraid that you might take this matter too seriously and plan to escape... I feared that you might gladly accept death. I hoped that this bitter resolution would give you ample options to maximize your survival.

Takaya: Naoe...

Naoe: Even so, I can't allow myself to commit suicide out of love. I won't give up. Even if this is a grave sin or my body is condemned to hell, I will not quietly accept this as the end. I want to find a way.

Takaya: Because of this, you're willing to suffer purgatory...

Naoe: Takaya-san...

Takaya: What is it to maximize one's survival... to explore every alternative. Don't you find this funny? To make a choice? What choice? We can only abide by the fact that 'the soul will be purified after one's life is over'. Wouldn't this inevitable necessity be how it ends? Entering heaven is obviously not easy, thus we have been given this mission to amend ourselves. Now instead of that, you are going to add on to your sins. Everyone else is able to follow this natural discipline, why is it that we can't comply with this? We... honestly.... we're abnormal! Not just our predicament as souls, but our inflating selfishness, expanding so much... that one day... everything will just come to ruin.

Naoe: No, Takaya-san.

Takaya: You... have always contradicted yourself.

Naoe: You are the one who said that it is not possible for us to continue as how we are now.

Takaya: But you refuse to believe this.

Naoe: Yes. The reason being that no one else understands your position more than I do. Because the person who wants your acceptance the most is me!

Takaya: You're lying! You obviously don't care how many sins you commit! You won't consider how many rules you're breaking!

Naoe: A crime comparable to the destruction of the earth...! I am prepared to face the consequences of my sins because I've already given up my status as a human being, I've become humanity's enemy.

Takaya: ...Naoe...

Naoe: You are incapable of understanding this sort of feelings. Because you are someone who loves the common man -

Takaya: Did you come to embrace me with this sort of mindset? Did you think that you can end everything in this way? So it doesn't matter what becomes of everyone else?!

Naoe: ...Takaya-san.

Takaya: Where did the barbaric yet beautiful blaze that burned within you disappear to! This will only make other people think that you've become like this due to the problem of my soul's destruction. Why have you stopped persevering towards your goals? Is it because you want to end everything? What is it now, Naoe!

(Without a word or hesitation, Naoe rips open his shirt to reveal to a startled Takaya, the scar left by the bullet shot)

Naoe: Do you need any more proof for what I've said! What of all the compromises that you mention? When I learned that I was going to lose you forever, I was invaded by a deep sense of terror. This crisis has allowed me to understand that you're the one person that I cannot lose, however I can't hide from the truth and have no reason to distract myself from this problem. Or is it that I'm no longer of any value to you now that I'm not struggling with my own inferiority complex?!

Takaya: ...That was not what I was trying to say! I was genuinely asking if you would still behave in this manner if not for this unexpected cruel twist of fate.

Naoe: That... is something that I myself do not know. It is as you said, I'm not someone who easily abandons my own self-worth. But for the sake of making my mark in this world, and because I once truly hoped to surpass you, I may have lost sense of my own value. I am that sort of person; because of my ambitious longing to be at the center of the world, the most important things to me have always been snatched away by men who laugh at my plight.

Takaya: ...

Naoe: Your suicide attempt completely crushed me. To let yourself be defeated by your own inadequacy, I can only whole-heartedly envy your misery. I merely wanted to be the person to cure you of your suffering. What is so abnormal about that? What is wrong with that! Even though I have been by your side protecting you, I have felt my existence to be insignificant. But you accepted this insignificant man. With one finger you wiped away my tears, forgave me.
Previously, I always believed that I wanted to be like you and thus sought to merge with you as one. But in fact, it was perhaps because I could never merge with you that I wanted to be like you.
The person that I am now, is someone whom you have healed. The strongly egoistical person that I was, doesn't seem to be present anymore. The people who receive redemption are the ones who have suffered defeat!

Takaya: Naoe...

Naoe: What I desire... Such superficial words. You have no idea how your own significance has cured me, body and mind, from the prison of my bitterness and pain! You have no idea how meaningless my arrogance was as well as my lack of strength. I want to share your misery, right now at this very moment! A lesser man such as myself would consider and seek this sort of thing... Wanting to monopolize you, without allowing anyone else to look at you. Wishing for you to belong to me - my possession. Before this man who has been struggling for eternity, a path to heaven has been opened. I have been guided onto this road to paradise. -- You are the one who accepted me! Are you now spurning with contempt for accepting this loser? If that is the case, then how should someone like me who can't rely on his own strength of principles persevere for the better? I don't believe in any God! Because not even God can rescue such a human. In this whole world there is only one person who can save this man!
What sort of mindset did I come to embrace you with... You asked me this? Do you want me to put it into words! Words are meaningless even when compared to dust, they fail to express what I feel even if I were to use sentences long enough to reach the moon. Words cannot completely describe my entire emotions, haven't I already deeply transmitted them to you! Haven't I already poured out all my passion before you! ...Don't tell me all of that has failed to reach you!

Takaya: ... Do you think that none of your feelings have reached me? That sort of mark that is so deeply engraved, do you really feel that none of your emotions have reached me?

Naoe: Takaya-san...

Takaya: My entire body down to the very nucleus of the cell! Has been invaded and tainted by you...!
(But even so)
But even so, Naoe, the relationship that we had before had no resolution. Whatever possibilities were nowhere to be seen!
(To simply be --)
Strip away all of our masked desires, that is all.
Yours and mine, just our naked desires.

Naoe: ...!

Takaya: Compensating for whatever flaws you have isn't necessary. Just use all that is within your power to love me earnestly as you always have, that is fine.

Naoe: Takaya-san...

Takaya: Just with everything that you have... that is.. fine.

Original fiction © Kuwabara Mizuna.