Book 5.5 Chapter 6 最愛のあなたへ

From chinese translations done by 幽灵.

Draft: Version 3 - final
Notes: 佐々成政 (Sasa Narimasa), 早百合 (Sayuri), 朴树 (Celtis sinensis var. japnonica), 矶部 (Isobe), 松元 (Matsumoto)
PS: do not distribute this without my permission

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So the Narimasa and Sayuri case was concluded. In short, Takaya returned to the hotel and the minor dealings were left for Naoe to handle. The police were notified of the location of the dead body, taking half a day going through the formalities of conducting another thorough investigation. Of course they weren't told of what really happened; he pretended that he had accidentally stumbled upon the body. Naoe was used to carrying out this sort of pretense and he did it perfectly. In the end, Naoe and the others no longer involved themselves as the remains of Narimasa's body were being identified. Before evening had approached, a police car and a noisy crowd had gathered to witness the malice of Sayuri in "The Isobe Embankment" continuously making a ruckus. Did no one notice that the dead man beneath the Hackberry tree was the the very person mentioned in the Sayuri legend? Sasa Narimasa. And so the situation concerning the legend went by without many people realizing.
But...
There would be no more Sayuri-related incidents with the flaming heads on these banks.

It was past four o'clock in the afternoon when Naoe reached the hotel. Takaya had already returned earlier. If he wanted to speak with Takaya...

Both of them had not engaged in any conversation since then. Takaya had not been able to say anything and kept to himself. He could not possibly understand the significance of the act. Even if he did, common sense and morality would pose as a barrier, causing himself to unconsciously deny it. This was unavoidable.

As far as his reaction was concerned, he was afraid to show his fear.

He will cancel the hotel reservation since he was no longer staying, thinking of returning to Matsumoto alone. Although he thought of this in his heart, he made an enquiry at the reception and learned that Takaya was apparently still in his room. Slightly relieved, Naoe headed towards the room. But...

How should I face him...

Naoe stopped in front of the door. Wanting to knock but hesitating for a bit.

How should he behave? His frightened appearance then, now floated in his mind. Although it was momentary, why couldn't his rationale suppress this impulse? This depressing thought weighed down severely on his chest.

Anyhow, there was no turning back.

With kind intentions, Naoe quietly assumed his usual expressionless facade. Knocking on the door because he wanted to see him.

There was always no answer. There was no doubt he was inside, but no one answered the door even after knocking several times. Was it because he did not wish to see him, Naoe thought and stopped knocking.

So it was. But he was probably hesitating to open the door. No, it must be that Takaya himself was unsure of how to face him.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't open the door, Naoe told himself. He stood at the door and reported.
"The issues at hand have been successfully concluded. The remains of Narimasa will be retained by the hospital, I wish to examine the corpse later on. The identity of his background may cause a bit of a problem, but the local police should be able to handle this."

Takaya did not answer. Silence, like a wordless sword stabbed through his heart. Using reason as a defense barrier, Naoe stated lightly, in a business-like manner.
"I will be leaving this place afterwards, heading upwards to conduct further investigations... what do you think?"

Takaya still did not reply. There was only Naoe's silent countenance.
"...I've already paid the vehicle fare at the reception counter. I apologize for the delay."

That was all he had to say and began to leave. The sound of unlatching and the door opened. Naoe was tensed and wide-eyed. Takaya was looking at him.
"...Are you running away?"

Naoe's shoulders jerked. A feeling that his thoughts could be read.
But there was no reason to be indecisive.
"You are..."
He calmly asked.
"Are you not afraid, of having someone like me by your side?"
Takaya started, his eyes fixed on Naoe. Naoe's perfectly expressionless visage still intact. In the silence that followed, Takaya wanted to explore what earnest intentions Naoe had, that lay concealed within the depths of his heart. But before he could do that, Naoe suddenly lowered his head, with a mocking chuckle.

"It's no use. You will not find the answer you're hoping for in my heart."

"..."

"How did you get the wrong idea?"

"What?"

"Were you thinking that my putting my life on the line to smoothen the path and make things easier to understand... was out of my consideration of others. You are sorely mistaken."

Takaya stopped breathing, becoming wide-eyed. Naoe's cold smile was incomprehensible.

"Do you have any idea what I desire right now?"

"..."

A tone of indignance gradually filled in Takaya's eyes. A desire to regard Naoe's thoughts with hate. Takaya's anger was mingled with a sense of warning.
"-you. What the hell are you..."

"I am your dog."

"..."

"A mad dog."

Naoe's piercing gaze caused Takaya to tremble and look at him with numb expression. That sort of icy coldness. That was his specialty, as if he wanted to hurt himself, a grim hatred directed towards his own being.

Takaya could not understand why his trembling hands were quivering in this way. It was impossible to distinguish what feelings were stirring within him. Feelings which he did not understand.

Takaya did not know how extremely close the line between hatred and love was. As for Naoe who was still standing there, Takaya no longer said anything but stood angrily.

One could not return to his former self.

He did not wish to revisit that particular period of time. Naoe regarded Takaya with pity, looking at him without expression, unable to say anything.

[Naoe's thoughts]

One could only await the end.

At present, only destruction could be seen.
Unknowingly repeating countless crimes, in the end there was still ruin.
I have betrayed you out of love before. But if I were to suppress this love, I cannot continue to live. It would be more satisfying to be bound to this love.
You would rather coldly laugh victoriously and strangle yourself than to kneel down and acknowledge self-defeat, expressing obedience.
Exposing your cold expression, abandoning all the tenderness.
Willing to accept humiliating orders, deriving pleasure from it-
You belong to me, my one and only dictator...

It's the end...

His soul was almost completely eroded by madness, he was alive from the support that his life's strength could provide. Heeding the firm warning within his heart, Naoe let his eyes fall.
To suppress. His own hands... Only now was he prepared to put a stop to this madness. It was still not too late. If he did not want to repeat the mistake...

Now herein, to expunge everything.

"...!"

Unexpected things have happened. Naoe choked on his breath, opening his eyes. Looking directly into Takaya's eyes, that had tears falling one after another.

"Kagetora-sama..."

Takaya could not hide his tears at all, biting his lips hard, fists clenched nervously, wanting to reject fate as he stared at Naoe. Whatever tenderness was left in Naoe's heart collapsed into utter ruin. This exasperating love was unforgivable. A love that left one with no place to breathe. The relentless hatred; surpassing hatred; causing one to be insane with love...

With his left hand, as if being guided to extend, he grasped Takaya's chin. His forefinger gently caressed his lips, his right hand holding on tightly to Takaya's wrist when he tried to resist. He forcefully planted a kiss.

"...nmhh"

It was a powerful kiss, concentrated with grief. Even in this way, Takaya still resisted Naoe's lips.

"Let...go..."

Whatever he wanted to say was muffled again, any resistance on his part was easily overwhelmed. The soaring feelings were now going out of control. Takaya shut his eyes and tolerated the surge of turbulent passion within him, tears still streaming down his face.

When their lips finally parted, Takaya's body was stiff with pain and his eyes sore. Naoe calmly looked at him. This bitterness that provoked the impulse to scream was speared down by reason. All the emotions that had welled up was terminated at this grim critical point. Slowly gazing at the person he loved, Naoe muttered.
"I deceived you..."

"..."

It was as if he was passing judgement on himself.
"The feelings from just now, I was just deceiving you..."

Naoe's face was streamed with tears. Takaya was wide-eyed. Seeing his tears for the first time, Takaya felt a tightening in his chest. Why? Why was there no way to properly consider matters? Naoe's countenance melted into a brokenhearted smile as he reflected on his self-judgment, walking away, leaving Takaya by himself.

In the end, there was no turning back.
It won't do to have no conclusion.
These feelings that cannot be conveyed would be buried within the abyss of his heart.
It would be better than throwing life away to ruin, which would be worse than death... To live.

All for the sake of tranquility.

As Naoe's back disappeared through the door, Takaya slowly turned around and looked out the window. It started to rain.
With bated breath, he bravely gazed at the smoke from the evening vista, clenching his fists.
Takaya bit his lip, quivering, unable to do anything.

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Original fiction © Kuwabara Mizuna.